Be Prepared For The Tribulation

With October 2, 2014 fast approaching many new Jehovah's Witnesses may not be aware on that date it will be exactly 100 years since Jesus silently returned to Earth.

More importantly it will mark the start of the tribulation period. During this time all the apostates will die because they chose something other than Jehovah.

It is also a worrying time for Jehovah's Witnesses because going to the Kingdom Hall, out in service as a publisher, and Bible studies will not be enough to save them (unless they are one of the 144,000+ that are the unelected government of Jehovah's new kingdom).

Now is the time to prepare. But because Jehovah said the public education system was the work of the devil, and all your spare money was handed over each month to Bethel, chances are a safe room is out of your budget.

Fear not. Because here at Tower Watcher a check list has been created so that when October 2, 2014 comes you can protect yourself, and family, from the hoards of apostates during the time of tribulation.

Checklist

The 'Silver Sword' edition of the Holy Scriptures. This will serve you many purposes. You will be able to while away many a hour looking up scripture and trying to work out what the translators were on when they finalized it for publication. You will able to use it as a test - anyone calling it a Bible is most definitely an apostate. Finally if the worst comes to the worst and you realize it is full of lies you can utilize it for toilet paper and for keeping the fire burning for a couple more minutes.

Wooden stakes. Not only can these be used to defend yourself, and your family, against apostate demonic vampires but during the tribulation when it dawns on you that the Jehovah's Witnesses religion is just a pack of man-made mumbo-jumbo you can build a crucifix and pray to the same God other Christian religions do.

Five loaves and two fish. That is all the food you will require. If the archangel formerly known as Michael can feed 5000 with the the same ingredients a family of four loyal Jehovah's Witnesses should be able to last at least a year. Remember Jehovah hates greed which is why he got you to send your money to Bethel each month so you would not be tempted to buy worldly items like Lady Gaga CDs or a King James Bible. Also, remember these loaves are for your family and not for the 144,000+ to choke on as they laugh at the minion Jehovah's Witnesses like they do at each memorial.

A stack of the current Watchtower and Awake! magazines. Use the tribulation time to practice, and brush up on, your service techniques. By the time the tribulation period is over you should easily be able to get even the Pope to accept both magazines and invite you in.

A notepad and pen. Because even during the tribulation Jehovah may inspire you with an idea for a talk at the first meeting after the tribulation. Do not be tempted by Satan or his demons to make a flip-book showing apostates burning to death no matter how fun it may seem at the time.

Suitable clothing. Jehovah will not just let any old riff-raff into his new kingdom on Earth. It will be important to dress as if you are going to a Sunday meeting when you know the Circuit Overseer will be there. So waste no space with your usual Sunday suit that you paid for at the local Catholic thrift store.

It is important not to scrimp and save when getting these essential items to see you through the tribulation. Because just as Bethel took you worldly money Jehovah will gladly take your 'new kingdom' money (or soul in lieu of money).

Some optional, but not essential, items include:

A prayer mat. In case you wish to cover all your bases and throw in the occasional prayer to Allah. You just cannot be sure which God will rule the new kingdom so try to keep on the good side of them all.

Blocks of wood and a few hand tools. The Amish spend their entire lives making quality wood products with their hands. Use the time of tribulation Jehovah has given you to hone some woodworking skills. Who know maybe the elite 144,000+ will have you woodworking in the new kingdom (voluntarily of course).

Paper and pens. You and your family could spend the tribulation writing a 'new' translation of the Holy Scriptures. The original translators were not qualified either so don't spend too much time worrying that home-schooling has not prepared you for such a task.

Have a safe and happy tribulation.