Are You Scared?

Remember, back in the day, when you was a complete and utter pain in the arse at school it meant you got a trip to the Headmaster's office, and felt the cane a few times until you eventually learned that it was easier just to skip school. But now, act up in class, and you get sent to some psychologist's office and diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) or ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and the school will then make a lot of changes and get you your own 'helper' within the classroom. And you will be a 'special' student.

But it isn't just in schools that things have gotten out of hand. Scared people have had so much time on their hands they have a phobia for practically anything.

In no particular order, the following are all real phobias:

Zemmiphobia, the fear of the great mole rat. Not just rats but the great mole rat. Luckily I wasn't even aware there was such an animal so I have no fear of it. But I suppose in the defence of this particular phobia if you are going to be scared of a rat, then the great mole rat is a good choice.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia, the fear of the number 666. The sign of the beast scares the Hell out of Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobics the world over, but 667 is fine. And who the Hell thought up the term? 29 letters to say you are scared of 3 numbers. What about all the Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobics  who also suffer from Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia? Well to put it bluntly they are well and truly fucked. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words. Possibly the longest phobia is used to describe the fear of long words. Someone had to be laughing their arse off as they thought of that phobia.

Omphalophobia is the fear of belly buttons. I have to say I have never met anyone who has said they have a fear of belly buttons. I think God may have been a Omphalophobic but that is just a guess based on the fact that Adam and Eve would have had no belly button, doesn't necessarily say he feared them, more he just didn't need them.

Phobophobia is a fear of phobias. Yes, you can be scared of being scared. I'm not sure how that works to be honest. Is it possible to be scared of being scared? Surely if you are scared of being scared you are in fact scared, and no longer scared of being scared. It gets way too complex and I think most Phobophobiacs end up disappearing up their own arsehole.

Now, to tie this blog post up, we shall return to the start, and end with - Didaskaleinophobia, the fear of going to school. Because in theory if you are scared of going to school you really can't cause problems there.

For the full list of all possible phobias head on over to the Phobia List.

The Gareth Bale Swap Shop

In 2013, footballer Gareth Bale transferred from Tottenham Hotspur (England) to Real Madrid (Spain) for the fee of £85,000,000. Don't ask me how I got to know this, I have no clue how I landed on the Wikipedia page of the most expensive football transfers.

But as usual when these massive figures are thrown around for some guy to kick a football, I wondered what the money could have been spent on.

Health

Nurses in London (where Tottenham Hotspur are based) earn a starting salary of £21,388. So, Real Madrid could have purchased 3,974 nurses for a year; or 397 nurses for 10 years.

Doctors in London earn on average £60,000. Real Madrid could have purchased 1,416 doctors for a year; or 141 doctors for 10 years.

Alcohol

In London a pint of bargain ale costs £3.60. Real Madrid could have purchased 23,611,111 pints; a million pints for each of the 23 members of the Real Madrid squad. Or if you wanted the whole country to join in the whole population of Spain (46,818,216) could have had half a pint to celebrate something.

Investment

The price of gold is £788.74 per ounce. Real Madrid could have purchased 107,766.8 ounces of gold. Gareth Bale weighs 74 Kilos (2,610.27 ounces), so they could have had 41 gold statues of Gareth Bale made.

The average property price in London is £514,000. Real Madrid could have purchased 165 homes in the London area.

Charity

There are approximately 6,437 homeless people in London. Real Madrid could have given each one £13,204.90 each. More than enough to give each one a new start.

Crime

Heroin is selling at £56,000 per kilogram in London. So, Real Madrid could have purchased 1,517.85 kilograms. Travel to the Republic of Georgia, supposedly the most expensive place to buy heroin, sell all of it and make enough to buy 5 Gareth Bales.

Although transporting over 1,500 kilograms of heroin will most likely end in a prison term, so best avoided.

And as I wrote this there was some news on the TV, in the background, saying that the figure £200,000,000 is being thrown around for Lionel Messi. So take all the figures and times them by 2.35. As an example you can now get 9,338 nurses for a year.

I'm pretty sure Spain needs nurses, doctors, and places for homeless people more than an overpriced footballer that is being paid to do what most school kids do each week for their school for free.

Just a thought.

A Spoonful Of Sugar

Ever watch some advert for some wonder pill that will cure everything and then see the side effects are worse than the original illness.

Antidepressants are the classic case. Every single advert trying to push their product to cure depression lists suicide as a possible side effect. I have no clue how the hell that even works, does it mean you can kill yourself and die happy? Who in their right mind (sorry, that pun was not intended it just happened) would want to get rid of depression to replace it with suicidal tendencies?

And it gets worse. There is a drug called Propecia, that is used for reversing male hair-loss. So what is the worse that can happen? Maybe it doesn't work and you stay bald. No, that would actually be a great outcome. One of the possible side effects is an affliction called 'gynecomestia'. No clue what that is? It is the term for men developing fully functional mammary glands (the proper name for breasts) that lactate. So you may have a full head of hair, but should you ever go to prison you could be one of the most popular inmates.

If you have restless leg syndrome then you could be tempted to take a prescription of Mirapex. But if you do keep an eye on your bank account balance. Not because the medicine is so expensive but because taking Mirapex has been known to cause people to start compulsively gamble. Your legs may be still as you sleep at night but you won't get much sleep as you fall deeper and deeper in debt while you gamble.

So, if you started with restless leg syndrome, and took Mirapex you could end up with a gambling problem that could lead to depression. For the depression you take any one of the SSRI antidepressants that leads to suicidal thoughts. This results in more and more worry and you start to lose hair. You start taking Propecia and before you know it you have fully functioning, lactating, breasts.

Maybe the restless leg syndrome wasn't so bad after all.

Tweet That Never Happened: John The Baptist

The Easter Conspiracy

Is this the real Jesus?

A lot of so-called Christians have forgotten the true meaning of Easter. As they sit and wait for chocolate eggs, and bouquets of flowers, they forget that Jesus was reincarnated as a rabbit.

Before you all rush off to find that Bible sitting under an inch of dust; don't bother. It isn't in there. Along with the various books, paragraphs, and words that have been taken out over time - the Easter rabbit is another casualty.

Mark 16:5-7 originally read:
"As they entered the tomb, they saw a rabbit who was white. It was sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. "Don't be alarmed," said the rabbit. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. I am he. See the place where they laid me. But go, tell my disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him in the form of a rabbit, just as he told you.'""

But the idea that Jesus was a rabbit was something that the early church felt it couldn't sell to the most ardent of Christians; so they replaced  the rabbit with the more 'acceptable' Jesus; risen from the dead after three days.

But the early church couldn't hide the truth completely. This is why Jewish priests are known as rabbis, in honour of Christ who was reincarnated as a rabbit.

And as for the tradition of Easter eggs. It has nothing to do with a large rock. That is also something removed from the Bible because the church were unable to explain it.

Mark 15:46-47 originally read:
"So Joseph bought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen, and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a giant dinosaur egg against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses saw where he was laid."

That is why you get to enjoy Easter eggs; because a dinosaur egg was used to block the cave entrance while Jesus transformed into a rabbit.

For you to enjoy Easter, Jesus and a dinosaur died. But a rabbit was born.

If Jesus was around now he would be passing the chocolate eggs out; and saying "This egg represents an egg, nothing more nothing less. A lot smaller than the Titanosaur eggs I remember but still it is just a representation. Nobody said it was to scale. Happy Easter."

So enjoy Easter, and if someone says anything bad about eating chocolate eggs, handed out by a bunny rabbit, I'm pretty sure Jesus would say it is fine to crucify the heathens. But don't take my word for it, ask yourself: "What would Jesus the rabbit do?"