Wednesday, 15 October 2014

If I Was God: Bad Parents Need Not Apply

We all know someone who is a parent, and we think to ourselves "What was God thinking allowing this brain-dead worthless person to become a parent. They couldn't look after a pet rock never mind a child."

And you really do have to wonder how that fits in with some master plan. What part of the master plan would fail if some useless person didn't have a baby they couldn't look after?

So let us cut to the chase. No more children for those that really can't look after them. Simple. But once again who decides this? Nobody; they take a test. They pass they can have a child. Should they fail then no children for them.

Let us say that Laura and Christopher want to have a child. They simply go online ( and answer a few multiple choice questions. If they both pass next time they try for a child they get one. If they both fail the test they can try as many times as they like they are never having a child. If one passes and one fails; well then the Godly coin gets tossed - Heads they win.

Now there are obviously going to be those that try to scam the system and try and get the answers from someone else. So there will be 50,000 questions and 100 random ones will be chosen. Anyone who memorises the answers to all 50,000 questions deserves to be a parent just because they want it that bad.

The questions will all be common-sense questions. Nothing too hard. Nobody said being a parent takes brains - it just takes care and love.

Question 1 - You are about to go out for the night and you need someone to look after your 2 year old daughter. Do you ask:
  • A. The guy living next door.
  • B. A trusted babysitter; recommended by a friend.
  • C. The guy who worships to some unpronounceable God in his basement.
  • D. The old woman own the road with 36 cats.
Question 2 - Your son, aged 6, has been caught stealing sweets from the local store. Do you:
  • A. Tell him stealing is wrong and not allow him to have any sweets that week.
  • B. Chop off his left hand.
  • C. Beat him to within an inch of his life.
  • D. Chop off his right hand because he is already missing his left one.
Question 3 - Your daughter, aged 15, gets a load of great grades at school. How do you reward her?
  • A. A six pack of beer and a small bottle of vodka s long as it isn't a school night.
  • B. A new iPhone.
  • C. A meal with the family, but they get to choose the place.
  • D. Money. You can never go wrong with money.
And for those wondering what the correct answers are - 1:B, 2:A, 3:Anything but A. And to be honest if you really needed to check the answers you may want to think about not having kids.

See, nothing too hard. Pretty much anyone with an ounce of common-sense could pick the right answers.

And don't worry, fail and you can try again in 2 years. Fail 3 times in a row and its divine sterilization.

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