Saturday, 26 December 2015

What Is The Point?

If you didn't make the Philospher's stone from my previous post, it means you are going to die.

Oh, stop crying. It is not news. I don't mean you are dying right now. It is like the whole Adam eats a fruit, and will die, and has to wait until he is 930 years old before he says "I'm out!"

But what is the point of it all?

Every religion preaches some story of an afterlife. Depending on the religion depends on the afterlife. Read about it, take in the information, and pick the one that offers the best options for you. It is kind of like insurance, you don't just take the first one. You look around, and eventually you find one that is good for you.

Pick Hinduism, and you get the chance of reincarnation. Pick Christianity and you get the whole Heaven and Hell problem to deal with. But the whole thing is you have choices. But don't piss your chosen God off. Wait until the end and then make a decision based on your life. Let us suggest that you made some mistakes in your life. And the Christian religion says you are going to the fiery pits of Hell. Don't panic, just say "Krishna, forgive my mistakes and accept me!" Then you get the whole Hindu afterlife, and because you have not reached nirvana you will be reincarnated, to get another go at getting life right.

See, choose what suits you at the end. Not what you are forced to do in life.

Okay, now let us think you got through life without doing anything wrong. Krishna might think you are not ready, and reincarnate you. But God, the Christian one, says "Damn, you did a great job of life. Welcome to Heaven." Makes sense to pick Christianity in that case. And just for shits and giggles, If the last thing on your mind was pressing the button, to the bomb wrapped around your waist, pick Islam and get ready for the 72 virgins. God and Krishna are not accepting you, and Buddha turned his back a long time go. So as you make the transition from life to afterlife embrace Allah and call it a win.

There. Choices. No point spending the whole of your life worrying about what might, or might not, happen when you die. Make that decision when you need to, when you are about to die. But it is not you that should be worrying about this choice. The various Gods should be.

Without people dying, and believing in them, these Gods are nothing but unemployed deities. They need you more than you need them. You die without a belief in any of them, worse that happens is you are dead. Everyone dies without a belief in these deities, they are nothing, they have no purpose. They should be out peddling the opportunities that they offer. You don't need to worship them, they need to be selling their afterlife to you. Because without you they have nothing. So, even less reason to worry about mistakes in life. Because now, when you die, the Gods should be fighting for your soul in the afterlife, so they have a reason to exist.

God: This one is mine.

Buddha: Like Hell he is. You had the last one.

God: He was a Catholic priest. Of course he was mine.

Allah: You sent him to Hell.

God: He was a Catholic priest.

Buddha: So?

God: They believe in the Pope. Like some guy they elect to be my voice is real. Big mistake. Not chosen by me, so it counts for nothing. Might as well ask for absolution from Krishna.

Krishna: Hey. I don't do absolution.

Allah: Looking at the figures from last year you don't do anything much.

Krishna: How would you like to be reincarnated as a cat?

Allah: That is not too bad of an idea.

Buddha: Are we not forgetting something?

God: What?

Buddha: Soul of the dead and all that.

Krishna: They are dead. They can wait. Not like they are going anywhere.

God: Unless they pick me.

Allah: Yeah, like that is going to happen. Only virgin in Heaven is Jesus. Lots of people dying to get together with him. Total sausage fest.

God: I don't see too many happy with your 72 virgins.

Allah: Not my fault they don't read the small print.

Krishna: No, this one is mine. I shall reincarnate him.

Buddha: Oh great, here we go with the whole reincarntion thing again.

[God and Allah start laughing]

Krishna: What?

Buddha: (chuckling) The last person you reincarnated was that guy that used to be a politician.

Krishna: And?

Buddha: (still chuckling) You reincarnated him as a pizza.

Krishna: That was not my fault. I was halfway through saying he was a lying piece of shit, and God interrupted.

God: Always someone who is at fault with you Krishna.

Krishna: You said to send him back as a cockroach.

God: And your point is?

Krishna: Not much imagination. Politician. Cockroach. Same shit, different toilet.

Buddha: You could have reincarnated him as a toilet.

Allah: Enough. Look we have a dead guy here. How about instead of the usual arguing, we just draw straws for his soul?

God: Sounds fair to me.

Krishna: I can go with that.

Buddha: Straws? Didn't we do that before?

Allah: Saves time though.

Buddha: We could play Rock, Paper, Scissors. Winner gets his soul.

Allah: We could play 'Lets Kick Buddha Out Of The God Club' too.

Buddha: Shut up Allah.

God: Look, why don't we just toss for it?

Allah: I call heads.

God: It is not your turn.

Allah: Tails.

Buddha: It is not your turn he said.

God: Buddha versus Krishna. Buddha calls.

Buddha: Tails.

[God tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

Buddha: Fuck it. That is fixed. I don't even know why I agreed.

Krishna: You want some cheese to go with that whine?

Allah: OK. Me against Krishna. I call heads.

[God tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

God: Me against Allah. Buddha tosses the coin.

Allah: I am going with tails this time.

[Buddha tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

God: In your faces. This one is mine. Another one for Christianity.

Krishna: But you only won a single toss.

God: Look Buddha lost to you. Then, you lost to Allah, and finally Allah lost to me.

Krishna: But you didn't beat me or Buddha.

God: So?

Krishna: Well, you won, so did Allah, so did Buddha. Seems you all only won once. Not really fair to say that you get the dead person.

God: OK. I will go against Buddha. And then the winner of that can go against Allah.

Buddha: Seems fair to me.

Allah: Lets do this.

[Krishna tosses the coin. God calls heads. It lands on tails.]

Buddha: In your face.

God: Lucky toss.

Allah: I call heads.

Buddha: As I won the last round I should call first.

Allah: What does it matter?

God: He has a point.

Allah: OK, let him call.

Buddha: Tails.

[Krishna tosses. It lands on heads.]

Allah: That settles it. I win. Another victory for Islam.

God: Maybe we should make a fairer system.

Allah: I won, fair and square.

Krishna: I hate to agree with Allah, but he did win.

God: OK. See if I care. I am going to make another Earth. This time I think I will let the dinosaurs live.

[There is a cough behind them.]

Dead Man: Excuse me.

Allah: What is it my obediant servant.

Dead Man: Obediant? Me? No.

Allah: You have to be. I won.

Dead Man: So?

Allah: Means I get to decide your afterlife.

Dead Man: This is all just a bad dream.

God: No, this is the afterlife.

Dead Man: No, I mean I am an atheist. None of you exist. Therefore it is just a bad dream.

Krishna: We exist. You were just wrong.

Dead Man: Maybe. Maybe not.

God: No maybe about it. We do exist.

Dead Man: Not to me. To me you are just all some crazy voices in my head. Like I said, just a bad dream.

Buddha: So what was all the coin tossing for?

God: No clue. I hate atheists.

Allah: Me too.

Krishna: I could reincarnate him as a believer and we can decide it another time.

Dead Man: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Who says you can reincarnate me if I don't believe in you? That is how the afterlife is? Dictatorship?

Krishna: Pretty much.

Dead Man: And I get no say?

God: No.

Dead Man: Can I at least get to choose what I get reincarnated as?

Krishna: Doesn't work like that. You get whatever I choose.

Dead Man: Even though I don't believe in any of you?

Krishna: OK. What do you want to go back as?

Dead Man: I don't want to go back.

God: What? You get a second chance.

Dead Man: For what? I died with my family in a horrible accident. Unless they go back I don't want to. And I don't really wnat to go back just to have to do this whole mess again in 90 years.

God: Oh, I see.

Allah: Too bad. We decided. You go back.

Dead Man: I thought Krishna decided this not you?

Allah: Well, yes. But you started debating the whole reincarnation. So you opened it up for all to join in.

Buddha: We should be more considerate of his wishes.

Dead Man: Thank you.

Buddha: You thanked me. Which means you admit I exist.

Dead Man: Or I am so insane I have started talking to the voices in my head and this messed up dream.

God: (angrily) Forget it. I am sending him to Hell.

Allah: Solves it. And we can get on with something else.

Buddha: I can go with that solution.

Krishna: Me too.

[God sends the guy to Hell]

[At Hell]

Satan: Oh great another one. Guess they couldn't decide again?

Dead Man: Well, in a way. They offered me reincarnation. But as it is just a dream I will wake and it won't matter.

Satan: Dream? Forget that. This is Hell. Tormented forever, burning fiery lake and all that.

Dead Man: I am anatheist. You don't exist ...

[Satan kicks the guy into the fiery lake. His screams join the masses of other screams.]

Satan: Only thing worse than atheists is politicans, lawyers, and reality TV stars.

 So, live life. Don't worry about what might, or might not, happen after you die. And if you need to hold on to some idea there is a God. Remember he is one of many that has to prove himself worthy of you. You have nothing to prove.

Friday, 25 December 2015

Dead On Arrival

This stone started out as pee.
The only thing that is guaranteed in life is that we die. No matter what we do after being born, and growing up, eventually the inevitable comes to us and we die.

Let us be honest, from the second we get pushed out our body is dying. But hey, on the positive side, all things go well there is a hundred years to play with in between.

But can we stop the process?

According to the alchemists the answer is yes. All you need is a Philosopher's stone. And no, it has nothing to do with Harry Potter, it is first mentioned in 300 AD, but the alchemists of the middle ages said that Adam had the first Philospher's stone, and was instructed how to create it by God. The alchemists believed the Philospher's stone was the answer to base metals into gold, and it was also the elixir of life - rejuvenating and some even claim it can give immortality.

All you need is a Philospher's stone and you can live for ever. So, enough talking about it, lets just get down to it, and make a Philospher's stone.

The Ingredients

1 litre of Urine

That is right, the Philospher's stone is made from urine. Urine supposedly holds concentrated life-energy. But not just any urine, it has to be the first urine in the morning. I am guessing that Philosophers never worked a night shift and had their first pee in the afternoon. Another thing, it does not state whether male or female urine is the prefered urine of choice. As almost all the famous alchemists were male I would say it might be best to use male urine. Ladies that means you have to go ask a male friend for their pee. Good luck explaining that one.

So, no excuses for not making a Philosopher's stone, you cannot say you don't have all the ingredients.

The Process

This stone can turn base metals to gold, restore health, and possibly offer immortality. So don't think this is 5 minutes of stirring the urine, put it in the oven, and 20 minutes later you have a Philospher's stone. This process takes 18 to 36 months. But surely immortality is worth 3 years of your life. As it takes around 3 years you can guess there is a lot of  descriptive terms, and waiting around. I am just going to give the basics, as I read them. It might be best, if you intend to do this, to read a bit more on the subject.

01. Distill the urine.
02. Calcine the distilled urine.
03. Repeat about 10 times until you have white 'salt' crystals.

At this point you now have mercury (distilled urine) and sulphur (white salt).

04. Crush the sulphur to dust.
05. Add a few drops of distilled urine.
06. Combine the mercury and sulphur.

Seal the container, and wait a year. Eventually it will turn black. Congratulations you are halfway there. Then it turns white.

Now it needs to be fermented with gold. For some reason this gold is not considered an ingredient. No clue why, but it isn't. So if you have no gold you have just wasted a year of your life playing with pee. But for those with gold carry on, you will soon be immortal.

The gold should be about 2 to 10 times the quantity of the stone.

07. Heat the stone and gold together.
08. Beat it into plates.
09. Grind it to a powder.
10. Add a few drops of distilled urine.
11. Repeat, until you have a red stone.

You are now the proud owner of a Philospher's stone, and you did not have to attend Hogwarts or have an argument with a pale-looking evil little bastard.

If you want to read the entire book, and recipe, then head over to who have the 165 page PDF file for your viewing pleasure

And if anyone comments that it didn't work before 2017 at least - it is because you didn't take your time with your pee.

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Nativity 2015

Tis the season to be jolly. And if you want to believe the Bible is even halfway right, then it is the time all the heathens stop being heathens and pretend they give a shit about Jesus being born. But what if instead of it happening 2015 years ago it happened right now?

Mary: What is all this?

Joseph: I told you, we have to go to Bethlehem to register for taxes.

Mary: And there is a reason that we are not doing it online like usual.

Joseph: Look, it says we have to go to the town we were born in. So we go.

Mary: Yeah, because some dictator nobody likes says we have to go, we go. Are we people or sheep?

Joseph: Oh great, here we go with the hippy stuff again. Look you want to fight the system, we can do that when we get back, but right now we are heading to Bethlehem.

Mary: Fantastic. Stuck on a plane with a group of people in my state, just what I need.

Joseph: Don't worry, I checked with the doctor, he said it is best that you don't fly so it is a road trip.

Mary: Road trip? Great. Sixteen hours in a car, get to Bethlehem, then stay in a horrible hotel, register for taxes, and then sixteen hours in the car back. Great Christmas this is going to be.

Joseph: Christmas?

Mary: Forget it. Lets get a move on.

Joseph: Hotel?

Mary: Tell me you booked a hotel.

Joseph: No. I thought we could just find one there.

Mary: Oh fan-frigging-tastic. No flight, no hotel, and it is the holiday season. Remind me why I married you again?

Joseph: (chuckling) No clue. I thought it was because I had good wood.

Mary: (almost suicidal) Great. Carpenter jokes the whole journey. My mother was right, I should have married a Rabbi.

Joseph: So now carpentry is not good enough for you? Was good enough when you wanted cupboards, good enough when you wanted all that furniture for the baby room. But now all of a sudden it isn't. Maybe you should have married the Rabbi.

Mary: Oh let us not go over all this again. Just get in the car and get this show on the road.

[After driving 4 hours Mary and Joseph are stopped at an illegal road block]

Man 1: Ok, where are you going?

Joseph: Bethlehem.

Man 1: What for?

Joseph: Taxes. Everyone has to register.

Man 1: Not me.

Mary: What is the hold up here?

Man 1: Just checking documents.

Mary: Oh God. OK. Which ones are you?

Man 1: Pardon?

Mary: You the ISIS lot or the other lot?

Man 1: Other lot?

Mary: You know, the ones that don't want to be called ISIS but believe in the same stuff. But the name ISIS is too degrading for them. You know as an 'organisation' you are pretty shit when even terrorists don't want to be associated with you.

Man 1: We are a group of organised citizens here for the protection of all the citizens.

Joseph: (whispering) Mary be quiet.

Mary: I am sure you are doing a great job and all, but we already gave to some group for the holiday season. So put your gun back in your holster and let us be on our way. Not sure why these Muslim extremists are always out 'collecting' at the holiday season.

Man 1: I am going to have to ask you both to step out of the vehicle.

Joseph: Yes, of course ...

Mary: (interrupting) What? Step out of the car? Look here, how much experience have got in delivering children? And before you answer that might I remind you that at any time I could drop a child.

Man 1: None, none whatsoever. We are not one of the birthing groups, more a killing group. The doctor helps you in to life, and we help you out of it. Never thought of birthing, although if this doesn't work out I could give it a go.

Mary: As I thought. Now unless you and that idiot over there want to deliver a child I suggest you shut the hell up, go back to Syria,let us through, and you can go back to killing people.

Man 1: Not that easy.

Mary: (really irate) I tell you what. You get your smelly, refugee, arse out the way and let us get on our way, or I will get out of this car, and beat you to within an inch of your life, like your mother should have done. And then I will wait for you to regain conciousness, and do it again until you learn some manners.

Man 1: Alright, I am just trying to raise a bit of cash for the troops, I mean concerned citizens, but you have to drag my mother into it. Just go. Have a good holiday.

Mary: Yeah, you too. Merry fucking Christmas.

Joseph: What is this Christmas?

Mary: Just shut up and drive.

[They continue their journey, eventually arriving at Bethlehem]

Mary: You had to eat it didn't you? Couldn't listen to me.

Joseph: I know. But it looked good, and better than the microwave burger you had.

Mary: I told you, no Gas Station sushi. It never sits right, and I have to endure the smell for hours after.

Joseph: I am sorry about that. I did open the windows though.

Mary: Just find us a hotel, so I can shower. We have been driving so long I have sand in my arse.

Joseph: Seems all the hotels are booked full.

Mary: Yeah, because everyone else had the sense to go online and book a hotel. But not, tight-arsed Joseph. No. He is going to wait until he gets there. Try and save a bit of cash. And now he is here we could be sleeping in the Bates Motel at this rate.

Joseph: I already checked. They are fully booked.

Mary: Brilliant. Anything to save money, no need to tell people you are Jewish.

Joseph: We could sleep in the car. It is after all just one night.

Mary: Yes we could. We go to sleep in this little car, I wake all cranky, and in a bad mood, and kill you while you sleep for making me sleep in a car.

Joseph: I will keep looking.

Mary: (smirking) That is what I thought.

[Joseph returns a few minutes later]

Joseph: OK I have found us somewhere.

Mary: And do they have wifi?

Joseph: Not exactly.

Mary: Not exactly? What is that supposed to mean? Can I connect to the net or not, simple question.

Joseph: Then the answer is no.

Mary: Oh great. You would think we were in China. No internet. I might as well stay in a cave.

Joseph: (angry) Can you not just be glad we have somewhere? You know you can be so ungrateful.

Mary: Oh Joseph, thank you so much for getting us some shitty hotel with no wifi, I am forever in your debt.

Joseph: Was that ...

Mary: (interrupting) Yes, it was sarcasm. Just get us there.

[They arrive at a barn]

Mary: A barn? You have got to be kidding me? I am about to give birth to your son and you bring me to what is no more than an animal shelter.

Joseph: I thought this was the son of God?

Mary: Oh yeah. That is what I said. Sure, let us go with that.

Joseph: It will be cosy.

Mary: Yeah I am sure it will. A barn that is about 3 days away from being condemned, has more drafts than the Vietnam war, I am sure it will be very cosy.

Joseph: More sarcasm?

Mary: You need to ask?

Joseph: Not really.

Mary: (screaming) What the Hell?

Joseph: What is it Mary?

Mary: There is a bleeding great hole in the roof. And there is some stupid bright star. How am I supposed to sleep with that thing shining through the roof all night?

Joseph: Close your eyes, and be thankful it is just for one night.

Mary: Taking drugs, drinking a litre of Whiskey, and closing my eyes would not make me think I was thankful.

Joseph: Just go to sleep. Tomorrow we have to go register.

Mary: OK. I still don't see why we couldn't do this online. Dumb shits running the government. The whole world is online. Neighbours can upload cat videos to the internet but our government cannot organise a census that we fill in online. Just shows you what sort of idiots are in power.

Joseph: Good night Mary, I love you.

Mary: Shut up!

[A couple of hours pass]

Mary: (screaming) Joseph wake up!!!

Joseph: Mary what is it?

Mary: I am 9 months pregnant, what do you think it is?

Joseph: You are giving birth?

Mary: Well done Sherlock Holmes. No shit.

Joseph: Thats good, I thought I had wet the bed again.

Mary: Find a doctor.

Joseph: I am on it.

[A few seconds later]

Joseph: Google found nothing. Couldn't get a connection.

Mary: How about getting out there and finding a real doctor. There has to be one in this fucking town somewhere.

[Joseph leaves to find a doctor. Meanwhile Mary gives birth on her own]

Mary: (talking to herself) Never a man around when you need one. Typical. He is out finding a doctor and I am here pushing the Son of God out. Son of God? Who am I kidding? I get knocked up, and told Joseph that whole story while he is drunk, and he believed it. Who would have thought it. Well at least it is done now.

[Just then there is a knock at the door]

Mary: (shouting) Come in. For God's sake Joseph you have seen in me in worse positions than this.

Professor 1: We have come to see the baby.

Mary: (shrieking) Who the Hell are you? What the Hell are you doing? Can't you see I am in a predicament here?

Professor 1: Sorry, I just thought you was smiling at us.

Mary: Us?

Professor 1: Me and my two friends.

Mary: And where did you come from?

Professor 1: We, are 3 professors from the university. We saw the star, and remembered the ancient prophecy.

Professor 2: I am a professor in Physics.

Professor 3: I am a professor in Art.

Mary: Would be nice if one of you was a professor in decency and handed me that blanket to cover myself.

[The first professor hands Mary the blanket]

Mary: What ancient prophecy tells you that a woman is going to be in a barn giving birth? And more to the point what sort of drugged up people would believe such a prophecy? I mean if someone had told me I would have told them to clear off and peddle their shit to people who believe that crap.

Professor 1: That is my fault. I am a professor in Religious Studies. There was an ancient Mayan text which said this would happen. During a drinking session we decided to see if it was true or not. And here you are.

Mary: Oh great. So some ancient group of people that thought the world would end predicted I would be here and 3 drunks turn up. I am guessing you have no taxes to pay in your own cities. 

Professor 3: Well, teaching doesn't pay like it used to. And there is no respect anymore, not like it used to ...

Mary: (interrupting) Oh here we go again, poor little teachers. You get half the year off what do you expect to get paid? If it is me I would pay you all by the hour, and in Summer you would all be on the street collecting donations in tins. If Joseph did as little work as you lot he would have been fired ages ago. And that is another thing, you and your unions, nobody can fire you. You could be the shittest teacher in the whole world and you still have a job for life. It is a damn shame this government hasn't got the balls to tell you if you keep pumping out retarded kids you get fired. I mean ...

Professor 2: (interrupting) We have gifts for the baby.

Mary: That was in the prophecy? Them Mayan people might not have known nothing about the end of the time, but at least they got you to rememember presents. What you got?

Professor 1: I got him a nice gold watch.

[Hands Mary the watch]

Mary: Nice? Since when did Rolex start using two Ls? Some knock off piece of junk you got at the market, and it doesn't even have a box. That is the best you can do?

Professor 1: But it is a nice gift seems you don't even know me.

Mary: And if I knew you, what I would get a box?

Professor 2: (mumbling) Ungrateful cow. She thought that gift was shit wait till she sees mine.

Mary: You got something to say?

Professor 2: I got the baby some biscuits.

Mary: Biscuits? What? Really? You realise he has no teeth? What were you drinking?

Professor 2: It was late. Not much open at this time of night. Be thankful that the Gas Station was still open. Otherwise I would have been here empty handed.

Mary: Might have been better to not have anything.

[Mary looks at the biscuits]

Mary: Oh great. Sugar free. Thanks for nothing. Why don't you just feed them to the donkey over there? Sugar free, is like taking the alcohol out of a drink. Waste of time.

Professor 3: You will love my gift.

Mary: I doubt it. What is it?

Professor 3: Meth.

Mary: What the fuck?

Professor 3: I didn't really think there was going to be anyone here so I thought if I bring Meth and nobody was here I could be buzzing on the walk back.

Mary: Seriously? You turn up with some Meth and hope that nobody wants it so you can get a buzz on. This is the quality of the people teaching at our universities? Next you will be telling me the Dean is Charles Manson.

Professor 3: You want it or not?

Mary: Yeah. I have the rest of the night in this barn, with Joseph. You have no idea what that is like. If I am awake he will start on about some new saw he is thinking of getting, like I care.

Professor 1: Can we see the child?

Mary: No. He is asleep.

Professor 1: According to the prophecy he is the saviour of mankind.

Mary: And your point is?

Professor 1: Just expected him to be doing something.

Mary: Really? Well I expected if 3 strangers were going to turn up uninvited they would have at least had the kindness to bring worthwhile gifts. But that isn't happening either.

Professor 2: Maybe we should just go. I am sure you need some time.

Mary: Time for what? To go back to sleep? I have to wait for Joseph to get back. But, actually, you could just get out of here.

[The 3 professors leave and a while later Joseph returns]

Joseph: Mary, I am back.

Mary: Too late, the birth was like the conception, without you.

Joseph: I couldn't find a doctor but I found a vet. Well, he will be when he graduates university.

Mary: You want some want-to-be vet to check me over?

Joseph: It was either him or a pizza delivery guy.

Mary: You really looked high and low, but mostly low.

Joseph: It is 3 in the morning. What do you expect. Most people are asleep.

Mary: You didn't think there may be a doctor at the hospital?

Joseph: Yeah, but I thought there had to be a reason why we didn't just call an ambulance. Thought maybe you were trying to avoid all that.

Mary: So, in avoiding doctors I want trainee vets looking right in me?

Joseph: OK, I admit I didn't fully think it through.

Mary: Get him out of here, shut the door, and lets get back to sleep. We have to do the registration tomorrow. Still think it is ridiculous that we have to register on Christmas.

Joseph: What is this Christmas you keep mentioning?

Mary: Never mind, you are just the step father it doesn't matter to you. Go to sleep.

Narrator: Mary and Joseph registered. Drove 16 hours back home to find that Mary had left a candle lit, and the house had burned down. Their son, Jessie, grew up and married Martin. Years later Joseph died, never knowing the truth about Jessie's conception. Mary became an activist. The 3 professors were never heard of again. Not that they were not important, just not important to keep track of for years to see what they did. And Tiny Tim died. Let's be honest, in that time a common cold would have killed him. Scrooge could have had Bill Gates' billions and still not be able to save Tiny Tim. Sure it was a nice ending and all, but reality sucks some times. That is just the way things are.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Changing History With Hitler & Bees

There is one question that comes up time and time again. And even though it has no correct answer it is debated for hours across the world.

That question is:

"If you could go back in time and change one event in the history of mankind, what event would you change?"

And with such a question there is always the usual answers, going back in time and stopping someone from dying - Jesus, John F Kennedy, John Lennon, or Martin Luther King. Going back in time and stopping someone being born - Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, or Kim Kardashian.

But the problem is that when you head back in time and alter the past, in theory anyway, it would alter the present and future too. And the bigger problem is that you don't know what will alter what.

Sure, saving Jesus would be a great idea. But then he doesn't die for your sins, the Bible has no ending, and the Christian religion falls flat on its arse because of it. With no Christianity the major religion becomes Judaism. A quick step forward to 1939 and Adolf Hitler is Jewish, the holocaust never happens. All sounds so easy. But just before jumping into that time machine, you got from some mad scientist on eBay, there is the other side to consider. What happens to the world without Christianity? It is hard to say, but the Black Death that sweeps through Europe in the 14th Century claims 500 million lives instead of the estimated 200 million because Europe as a whole is less compassionate.

It is all swings and roundabouts. Save one group of people and another group die.

Head back in time and stop Adolf Hitler being born. Great. World War 2 doesn't happen. Everyone can party and celebrate. But the problem exists that at some point some person will come along with the idea that they can run the world. So stopping Adolf being born just delayed the fact. Because although it is hardly mentioned Adolf Hitler is a great example to any despot that is thinking of trying to run the world - the world doesn't want it and you will fail.

Hitler being born might appear as a travesty, but if another mad man, despot, dictator comes along maybe 50 years after the time World War 2 would have happened the technology has improved and so has the way to kill millions more. So instead of the estimated 60 million that died it may be more like 600 million. You have to think that the first idiot nation to launch a nuclear weapon will trigger a string of events with everyone launching them. Maybe the death toll is in the billions; all because someone decided Hitler should not be born.

But all of this is pure speculation. Nobody can be sure what happens if certain events in history don't happen. And nobody can be sure it has to be a major event change. The slightest thing could change the history of mankind.

The driver of John F Kennedy's limousine is getting a coffee just before he gets ready to pick up the president. After he gets his coffee, he is walking back to the limousine. He opens the door to get in, and a bee stings him. Allergic to bee stings, he starts to feel unwell. As he arrives to pick up the president, it is noted by the president the driver is looking like shit. The president has to wait while another driver is found to replace him. Leaving 15 minutes late, the president makes his journey to the airport. Why didn't Lee Harvey Oswald shoot him? Because he got scared. He knew when the president was meant to drive by. He got scared that someone had found out and changed the route, any minute kicking the door in and arresting him.

But there was no bee, or if there was there was no driver that was allergic to bee stings, who just happened to get stung. So the president drove by at the time he was meant to and Lee Harvey Oswald shot him.

And that is the main thing, not all changes have to be major. Little events have a knock-on effect.

As a final example - a human sperm is 50 micrometres in length. Remove that one sperm and Kim Kardashian is not born. And no matter how much you think about it there is no bad that can come from this one very small change in history.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

What If ... Hitler Started A Knitting Club

Adolf Hitler, possibly the most hated person in history, after the Kardashian family, and the person who invented parking tickets. But what if he had took a different path. What if he had decided to do something else rather than invade Poland?

Hitler: OK, we have Germany running like a well-oiled machine. The people are happy, the country is making money what shall we do now?
Göring: We could exterminate all the Jews.
Hitler: Whoa! Where is that coming from? I have a neighbour who is Jewish. Very nice chap. Keeps his garden immaculate. I really think you might need some counselling for your issues.
Göring: Sorry, just a bad night. Didn't get much sleep.
Hitler: Well, no need to take it out on the Jewish people. Why not just get a couple of hours sleep in the corner there?
Göring: Yeah I might just do that.

[Göring goes to the corner for a sleep]

Hess: Why don't we design a car?
Hitler: That is the spirit. Give something back to the people. What shall we call it?
Hess: The Volkswagen Cockroach.
Hitler: What? That is terrible. Who in their right mind would want to drive a car called cockroach? Imagine you are at the NSDAP Christmas party and you manage to get a date, she is hardly going to be impressed with you saying: Hey, want to go back to my place in my cockroach?
Rosenberg: True that. What about the Volkswagen Daffodil?
Hitler: I am working with fools. One is a moron and the other seems to have some crazy idea that we should name a car after a flower.
Brandt: How about we call it the Beetle?
Hess: Was you not listening? I said cockroach and Adolf didn't like that idea. You might as well have French cheese in your ears.
Brandt: But a beetle isn't a cockroach. Now who looks stupid?
Hitler: (shouting) Shut up!
Hess: Now you have made him mad. So it will be no chocolate biscuits for you today when we have our break.
Hitler: I like Beetle. I think we could call it Betty. Maybe have a cute children's book that goes along with it.
Hess: How is a beetle any better than a cockroach?
Hitler: Maybe the next one will be called a cockroach.
Brandt: Or a Polo.
Hess: Either you call it cockroach or I am not playing.
Hitler: OK. The next one will be called a Volkswagen Cockroach.
Hess: Good.
Hitler: (loudly) Göring, wake up. We need you to design a car.
Göring: What?
Hitler: Design a car.
Göring: I have never designed a car in my life.
Hitler: Give it a go, I have faith in you.
Göring: OK. Can I have some paper then?
Hitler: I gave you paper yesterday. What did you use all that on?
Göring: Posters, advertising our knitting club.
Hitler: It is meant to be a secret knitting club. We can't be advertising it. Next thing you know everybody will want to join. Then before you know it the whole idea of our little club has got out of hand and is no longer what we envisioned.
Göring: I know that. But I thought a few more members would give us a greater choice of patterns.
Hess: Got to agree with that. I'm getting bored of knitting swastikas.
Hitler: (annoyed) Whose club is it?
Göring: Yours.
Hitler: And who decides who gets to join?
Göring: You do.
Hitler: And if I am not here to make decisions, who does?
Göring: Papen.
Hitler: And where is Papen?
Göring: No clue. Haven't seen him for weeks.
Hitler: OK then. Hess can be in charge when I am not here.
Hess: Can we change the name of the club then?
Hitler: To What?
Hess: The Socialist Knitting And Sewing Party?
Hitler: No. It is meant to be a secret. What bit of the word 'secret' do you people not get?
Braun: I found out about it on the work notice board. There was a poster advertising it.
Göring: I told you them posters worked.
Hitler: Look, we meet and knit in secret. Nobody is meant to know. There will be no more posters. There will be no new name telling people what we are doing. We will continue to meet each Wednesday and knit. We will share patterns, wool, and ideas. That is it. Nothing else.
Göring: What about the car?
Hitler: Don't mention that we did it. Blame it on Volkswagen. That way we can remain secret.
Hess: I'm on a diet. Could I have plain biscuits today?
Hitler: Right. No biscuits for you. No biscuits for anyone. Now all of you be silent and get back to your knitting.
Axmann: (whispering) Who died and made him Führer?
Hitler: I heard that!

It may not have happened that way but it could have. Maybe they just ran out of wool. So if you see a short little Austrian complaining there is not enough wool, just give him some wool. Who knows what might happen if he doesn't knit.