Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Nativity 2015

Tis the season to be jolly. And if you want to believe the Bible is even halfway right, then it is the time all the heathens stop being heathens and pretend they give a shit about Jesus being born. But what if instead of it happening 2015 years ago it happened right now?

Mary: What is all this?

Joseph: I told you, we have to go to Bethlehem to register for taxes.

Mary: And there is a reason that we are not doing it online like usual.

Joseph: Look, it says we have to go to the town we were born in. So we go.

Mary: Yeah, because some dictator nobody likes says we have to go, we go. Are we people or sheep?

Joseph: Oh great, here we go with the hippy stuff again. Look you want to fight the system, we can do that when we get back, but right now we are heading to Bethlehem.

Mary: Fantastic. Stuck on a plane with a group of people in my state, just what I need.

Joseph: Don't worry, I checked with the doctor, he said it is best that you don't fly so it is a road trip.

Mary: Road trip? Great. Sixteen hours in a car, get to Bethlehem, then stay in a horrible hotel, register for taxes, and then sixteen hours in the car back. Great Christmas this is going to be.

Joseph: Christmas?

Mary: Forget it. Lets get a move on.

Joseph: Hotel?

Mary: Tell me you booked a hotel.

Joseph: No. I thought we could just find one there.

Mary: Oh fan-frigging-tastic. No flight, no hotel, and it is the holiday season. Remind me why I married you again?

Joseph: (chuckling) No clue. I thought it was because I had good wood.

Mary: (almost suicidal) Great. Carpenter jokes the whole journey. My mother was right, I should have married a Rabbi.

Joseph: So now carpentry is not good enough for you? Was good enough when you wanted cupboards, good enough when you wanted all that furniture for the baby room. But now all of a sudden it isn't. Maybe you should have married the Rabbi.

Mary: Oh let us not go over all this again. Just get in the car and get this show on the road.

[After driving 4 hours Mary and Joseph are stopped at an illegal road block]

Man 1: Ok, where are you going?

Joseph: Bethlehem.

Man 1: What for?

Joseph: Taxes. Everyone has to register.

Man 1: Not me.

Mary: What is the hold up here?

Man 1: Just checking documents.

Mary: Oh God. OK. Which ones are you?

Man 1: Pardon?

Mary: You the ISIS lot or the other lot?

Man 1: Other lot?

Mary: You know, the ones that don't want to be called ISIS but believe in the same stuff. But the name ISIS is too degrading for them. You know as an 'organisation' you are pretty shit when even terrorists don't want to be associated with you.

Man 1: We are a group of organised citizens here for the protection of all the citizens.

Joseph: (whispering) Mary be quiet.

Mary: I am sure you are doing a great job and all, but we already gave to some group for the holiday season. So put your gun back in your holster and let us be on our way. Not sure why these Muslim extremists are always out 'collecting' at the holiday season.

Man 1: I am going to have to ask you both to step out of the vehicle.

Joseph: Yes, of course ...

Mary: (interrupting) What? Step out of the car? Look here, how much experience have got in delivering children? And before you answer that might I remind you that at any time I could drop a child.

Man 1: None, none whatsoever. We are not one of the birthing groups, more a killing group. The doctor helps you in to life, and we help you out of it. Never thought of birthing, although if this doesn't work out I could give it a go.

Mary: As I thought. Now unless you and that idiot over there want to deliver a child I suggest you shut the hell up, go back to Syria,let us through, and you can go back to killing people.

Man 1: Not that easy.

Mary: (really irate) I tell you what. You get your smelly, refugee, arse out the way and let us get on our way, or I will get out of this car, and beat you to within an inch of your life, like your mother should have done. And then I will wait for you to regain conciousness, and do it again until you learn some manners.

Man 1: Alright, I am just trying to raise a bit of cash for the troops, I mean concerned citizens, but you have to drag my mother into it. Just go. Have a good holiday.

Mary: Yeah, you too. Merry fucking Christmas.

Joseph: What is this Christmas?

Mary: Just shut up and drive.

[They continue their journey, eventually arriving at Bethlehem]

Mary: You had to eat it didn't you? Couldn't listen to me.

Joseph: I know. But it looked good, and better than the microwave burger you had.

Mary: I told you, no Gas Station sushi. It never sits right, and I have to endure the smell for hours after.

Joseph: I am sorry about that. I did open the windows though.

Mary: Just find us a hotel, so I can shower. We have been driving so long I have sand in my arse.

Joseph: Seems all the hotels are booked full.

Mary: Yeah, because everyone else had the sense to go online and book a hotel. But not, tight-arsed Joseph. No. He is going to wait until he gets there. Try and save a bit of cash. And now he is here we could be sleeping in the Bates Motel at this rate.

Joseph: I already checked. They are fully booked.

Mary: Brilliant. Anything to save money, no need to tell people you are Jewish.

Joseph: We could sleep in the car. It is after all just one night.

Mary: Yes we could. We go to sleep in this little car, I wake all cranky, and in a bad mood, and kill you while you sleep for making me sleep in a car.

Joseph: I will keep looking.

Mary: (smirking) That is what I thought.

[Joseph returns a few minutes later]

Joseph: OK I have found us somewhere.

Mary: And do they have wifi?

Joseph: Not exactly.

Mary: Not exactly? What is that supposed to mean? Can I connect to the net or not, simple question.

Joseph: Then the answer is no.

Mary: Oh great. You would think we were in China. No internet. I might as well stay in a cave.

Joseph: (angry) Can you not just be glad we have somewhere? You know you can be so ungrateful.

Mary: Oh Joseph, thank you so much for getting us some shitty hotel with no wifi, I am forever in your debt.

Joseph: Was that ...

Mary: (interrupting) Yes, it was sarcasm. Just get us there.

[They arrive at a barn]

Mary: A barn? You have got to be kidding me? I am about to give birth to your son and you bring me to what is no more than an animal shelter.

Joseph: I thought this was the son of God?

Mary: Oh yeah. That is what I said. Sure, let us go with that.

Joseph: It will be cosy.

Mary: Yeah I am sure it will. A barn that is about 3 days away from being condemned, has more drafts than the Vietnam war, I am sure it will be very cosy.

Joseph: More sarcasm?

Mary: You need to ask?

Joseph: Not really.

Mary: (screaming) What the Hell?

Joseph: What is it Mary?

Mary: There is a bleeding great hole in the roof. And there is some stupid bright star. How am I supposed to sleep with that thing shining through the roof all night?

Joseph: Close your eyes, and be thankful it is just for one night.

Mary: Taking drugs, drinking a litre of Whiskey, and closing my eyes would not make me think I was thankful.

Joseph: Just go to sleep. Tomorrow we have to go register.

Mary: OK. I still don't see why we couldn't do this online. Dumb shits running the government. The whole world is online. Neighbours can upload cat videos to the internet but our government cannot organise a census that we fill in online. Just shows you what sort of idiots are in power.

Joseph: Good night Mary, I love you.

Mary: Shut up!

[A couple of hours pass]

Mary: (screaming) Joseph wake up!!!

Joseph: Mary what is it?

Mary: I am 9 months pregnant, what do you think it is?

Joseph: You are giving birth?

Mary: Well done Sherlock Holmes. No shit.

Joseph: Thats good, I thought I had wet the bed again.

Mary: Find a doctor.

Joseph: I am on it.

[A few seconds later]

Joseph: Google found nothing. Couldn't get a connection.

Mary: How about getting out there and finding a real doctor. There has to be one in this fucking town somewhere.

[Joseph leaves to find a doctor. Meanwhile Mary gives birth on her own]

Mary: (talking to herself) Never a man around when you need one. Typical. He is out finding a doctor and I am here pushing the Son of God out. Son of God? Who am I kidding? I get knocked up, and told Joseph that whole story while he is drunk, and he believed it. Who would have thought it. Well at least it is done now.

[Just then there is a knock at the door]

Mary: (shouting) Come in. For God's sake Joseph you have seen in me in worse positions than this.

Professor 1: We have come to see the baby.

Mary: (shrieking) Who the Hell are you? What the Hell are you doing? Can't you see I am in a predicament here?

Professor 1: Sorry, I just thought you was smiling at us.

Mary: Us?

Professor 1: Me and my two friends.

Mary: And where did you come from?

Professor 1: We, are 3 professors from the university. We saw the star, and remembered the ancient prophecy.

Professor 2: I am a professor in Physics.

Professor 3: I am a professor in Art.

Mary: Would be nice if one of you was a professor in decency and handed me that blanket to cover myself.

[The first professor hands Mary the blanket]

Mary: What ancient prophecy tells you that a woman is going to be in a barn giving birth? And more to the point what sort of drugged up people would believe such a prophecy? I mean if someone had told me I would have told them to clear off and peddle their shit to people who believe that crap.

Professor 1: That is my fault. I am a professor in Religious Studies. There was an ancient Mayan text which said this would happen. During a drinking session we decided to see if it was true or not. And here you are.

Mary: Oh great. So some ancient group of people that thought the world would end predicted I would be here and 3 drunks turn up. I am guessing you have no taxes to pay in your own cities. 

Professor 3: Well, teaching doesn't pay like it used to. And there is no respect anymore, not like it used to ...

Mary: (interrupting) Oh here we go again, poor little teachers. You get half the year off what do you expect to get paid? If it is me I would pay you all by the hour, and in Summer you would all be on the street collecting donations in tins. If Joseph did as little work as you lot he would have been fired ages ago. And that is another thing, you and your unions, nobody can fire you. You could be the shittest teacher in the whole world and you still have a job for life. It is a damn shame this government hasn't got the balls to tell you if you keep pumping out retarded kids you get fired. I mean ...

Professor 2: (interrupting) We have gifts for the baby.

Mary: That was in the prophecy? Them Mayan people might not have known nothing about the end of the time, but at least they got you to rememember presents. What you got?

Professor 1: I got him a nice gold watch.

[Hands Mary the watch]

Mary: Nice? Since when did Rolex start using two Ls? Some knock off piece of junk you got at the market, and it doesn't even have a box. That is the best you can do?

Professor 1: But it is a nice gift seems you don't even know me.

Mary: And if I knew you, what I would get a box?

Professor 2: (mumbling) Ungrateful cow. She thought that gift was shit wait till she sees mine.

Mary: You got something to say?

Professor 2: I got the baby some biscuits.

Mary: Biscuits? What? Really? You realise he has no teeth? What were you drinking?

Professor 2: It was late. Not much open at this time of night. Be thankful that the Gas Station was still open. Otherwise I would have been here empty handed.

Mary: Might have been better to not have anything.

[Mary looks at the biscuits]

Mary: Oh great. Sugar free. Thanks for nothing. Why don't you just feed them to the donkey over there? Sugar free, is like taking the alcohol out of a drink. Waste of time.

Professor 3: You will love my gift.

Mary: I doubt it. What is it?

Professor 3: Meth.

Mary: What the fuck?

Professor 3: I didn't really think there was going to be anyone here so I thought if I bring Meth and nobody was here I could be buzzing on the walk back.

Mary: Seriously? You turn up with some Meth and hope that nobody wants it so you can get a buzz on. This is the quality of the people teaching at our universities? Next you will be telling me the Dean is Charles Manson.

Professor 3: You want it or not?

Mary: Yeah. I have the rest of the night in this barn, with Joseph. You have no idea what that is like. If I am awake he will start on about some new saw he is thinking of getting, like I care.

Professor 1: Can we see the child?

Mary: No. He is asleep.

Professor 1: According to the prophecy he is the saviour of mankind.

Mary: And your point is?

Professor 1: Just expected him to be doing something.

Mary: Really? Well I expected if 3 strangers were going to turn up uninvited they would have at least had the kindness to bring worthwhile gifts. But that isn't happening either.

Professor 2: Maybe we should just go. I am sure you need some time.

Mary: Time for what? To go back to sleep? I have to wait for Joseph to get back. But, actually, you could just get out of here.

[The 3 professors leave and a while later Joseph returns]

Joseph: Mary, I am back.

Mary: Too late, the birth was like the conception, without you.

Joseph: I couldn't find a doctor but I found a vet. Well, he will be when he graduates university.

Mary: You want some want-to-be vet to check me over?

Joseph: It was either him or a pizza delivery guy.

Mary: You really looked high and low, but mostly low.

Joseph: It is 3 in the morning. What do you expect. Most people are asleep.

Mary: You didn't think there may be a doctor at the hospital?

Joseph: Yeah, but I thought there had to be a reason why we didn't just call an ambulance. Thought maybe you were trying to avoid all that.

Mary: So, in avoiding doctors I want trainee vets looking right in me?

Joseph: OK, I admit I didn't fully think it through.

Mary: Get him out of here, shut the door, and lets get back to sleep. We have to do the registration tomorrow. Still think it is ridiculous that we have to register on Christmas.

Joseph: What is this Christmas you keep mentioning?

Mary: Never mind, you are just the step father it doesn't matter to you. Go to sleep.

Narrator: Mary and Joseph registered. Drove 16 hours back home to find that Mary had left a candle lit, and the house had burned down. Their son, Jessie, grew up and married Martin. Years later Joseph died, never knowing the truth about Jessie's conception. Mary became an activist. The 3 professors were never heard of again. Not that they were not important, just not important to keep track of for years to see what they did. And Tiny Tim died. Let's be honest, in that time a common cold would have killed him. Scrooge could have had Bill Gates' billions and still not be able to save Tiny Tim. Sure it was a nice ending and all, but reality sucks some times. That is just the way things are.

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