Friday, 25 December 2015

Dead On Arrival

This stone started out as pee.
The only thing that is guaranteed in life is that we die. No matter what we do after being born, and growing up, eventually the inevitable comes to us and we die.

Let us be honest, from the second we get pushed out our body is dying. But hey, on the positive side, all things go well there is a hundred years to play with in between.

But can we stop the process?

According to the alchemists the answer is yes. All you need is a Philosopher's stone. And no, it has nothing to do with Harry Potter, it is first mentioned in 300 AD, but the alchemists of the middle ages said that Adam had the first Philospher's stone, and was instructed how to create it by God. The alchemists believed the Philospher's stone was the answer to base metals into gold, and it was also the elixir of life - rejuvenating and some even claim it can give immortality.

All you need is a Philospher's stone and you can live for ever. So, enough talking about it, lets just get down to it, and make a Philospher's stone.

The Ingredients

1 litre of Urine

That is right, the Philospher's stone is made from urine. Urine supposedly holds concentrated life-energy. But not just any urine, it has to be the first urine in the morning. I am guessing that Philosophers never worked a night shift and had their first pee in the afternoon. Another thing, it does not state whether male or female urine is the prefered urine of choice. As almost all the famous alchemists were male I would say it might be best to use male urine. Ladies that means you have to go ask a male friend for their pee. Good luck explaining that one.

So, no excuses for not making a Philosopher's stone, you cannot say you don't have all the ingredients.

The Process

This stone can turn base metals to gold, restore health, and possibly offer immortality. So don't think this is 5 minutes of stirring the urine, put it in the oven, and 20 minutes later you have a Philospher's stone. This process takes 18 to 36 months. But surely immortality is worth 3 years of your life. As it takes around 3 years you can guess there is a lot of  descriptive terms, and waiting around. I am just going to give the basics, as I read them. It might be best, if you intend to do this, to read a bit more on the subject.

01. Distill the urine.
02. Calcine the distilled urine.
03. Repeat about 10 times until you have white 'salt' crystals.

At this point you now have mercury (distilled urine) and sulphur (white salt).

04. Crush the sulphur to dust.
05. Add a few drops of distilled urine.
06. Combine the mercury and sulphur.

Seal the container, and wait a year. Eventually it will turn black. Congratulations you are halfway there. Then it turns white.

Now it needs to be fermented with gold. For some reason this gold is not considered an ingredient. No clue why, but it isn't. So if you have no gold you have just wasted a year of your life playing with pee. But for those with gold carry on, you will soon be immortal.

The gold should be about 2 to 10 times the quantity of the stone.

07. Heat the stone and gold together.
08. Beat it into plates.
09. Grind it to a powder.
10. Add a few drops of distilled urine.
11. Repeat, until you have a red stone.

You are now the proud owner of a Philospher's stone, and you did not have to attend Hogwarts or have an argument with a pale-looking evil little bastard.

If you want to read the entire book, and recipe, then head over to who have the 165 page PDF file for your viewing pleasure

And if anyone comments that it didn't work before 2017 at least - it is because you didn't take your time with your pee.

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