Saturday, 26 December 2015

What Is The Point?

If you didn't make the Philospher's stone from my previous post, it means you are going to die.

Oh, stop crying. It is not news. I don't mean you are dying right now. It is like the whole Adam eats a fruit, and will die, and has to wait until he is 930 years old before he says "I'm out!"

But what is the point of it all?

Every religion preaches some story of an afterlife. Depending on the religion depends on the afterlife. Read about it, take in the information, and pick the one that offers the best options for you. It is kind of like insurance, you don't just take the first one. You look around, and eventually you find one that is good for you.

Pick Hinduism, and you get the chance of reincarnation. Pick Christianity and you get the whole Heaven and Hell problem to deal with. But the whole thing is you have choices. But don't piss your chosen God off. Wait until the end and then make a decision based on your life. Let us suggest that you made some mistakes in your life. And the Christian religion says you are going to the fiery pits of Hell. Don't panic, just say "Krishna, forgive my mistakes and accept me!" Then you get the whole Hindu afterlife, and because you have not reached nirvana you will be reincarnated, to get another go at getting life right.

See, choose what suits you at the end. Not what you are forced to do in life.

Okay, now let us think you got through life without doing anything wrong. Krishna might think you are not ready, and reincarnate you. But God, the Christian one, says "Damn, you did a great job of life. Welcome to Heaven." Makes sense to pick Christianity in that case. And just for shits and giggles, If the last thing on your mind was pressing the button, to the bomb wrapped around your waist, pick Islam and get ready for the 72 virgins. God and Krishna are not accepting you, and Buddha turned his back a long time go. So as you make the transition from life to afterlife embrace Allah and call it a win.

There. Choices. No point spending the whole of your life worrying about what might, or might not, happen when you die. Make that decision when you need to, when you are about to die. But it is not you that should be worrying about this choice. The various Gods should be.

Without people dying, and believing in them, these Gods are nothing but unemployed deities. They need you more than you need them. You die without a belief in any of them, worse that happens is you are dead. Everyone dies without a belief in these deities, they are nothing, they have no purpose. They should be out peddling the opportunities that they offer. You don't need to worship them, they need to be selling their afterlife to you. Because without you they have nothing. So, even less reason to worry about mistakes in life. Because now, when you die, the Gods should be fighting for your soul in the afterlife, so they have a reason to exist.

God: This one is mine.

Buddha: Like Hell he is. You had the last one.

God: He was a Catholic priest. Of course he was mine.

Allah: You sent him to Hell.

God: He was a Catholic priest.

Buddha: So?

God: They believe in the Pope. Like some guy they elect to be my voice is real. Big mistake. Not chosen by me, so it counts for nothing. Might as well ask for absolution from Krishna.

Krishna: Hey. I don't do absolution.

Allah: Looking at the figures from last year you don't do anything much.

Krishna: How would you like to be reincarnated as a cat?

Allah: That is not too bad of an idea.

Buddha: Are we not forgetting something?

God: What?

Buddha: Soul of the dead and all that.

Krishna: They are dead. They can wait. Not like they are going anywhere.

God: Unless they pick me.

Allah: Yeah, like that is going to happen. Only virgin in Heaven is Jesus. Lots of people dying to get together with him. Total sausage fest.

God: I don't see too many happy with your 72 virgins.

Allah: Not my fault they don't read the small print.

Krishna: No, this one is mine. I shall reincarnate him.

Buddha: Oh great, here we go with the whole reincarntion thing again.

[God and Allah start laughing]

Krishna: What?

Buddha: (chuckling) The last person you reincarnated was that guy that used to be a politician.

Krishna: And?

Buddha: (still chuckling) You reincarnated him as a pizza.

Krishna: That was not my fault. I was halfway through saying he was a lying piece of shit, and God interrupted.

God: Always someone who is at fault with you Krishna.

Krishna: You said to send him back as a cockroach.

God: And your point is?

Krishna: Not much imagination. Politician. Cockroach. Same shit, different toilet.

Buddha: You could have reincarnated him as a toilet.

Allah: Enough. Look we have a dead guy here. How about instead of the usual arguing, we just draw straws for his soul?

God: Sounds fair to me.

Krishna: I can go with that.

Buddha: Straws? Didn't we do that before?

Allah: Saves time though.

Buddha: We could play Rock, Paper, Scissors. Winner gets his soul.

Allah: We could play 'Lets Kick Buddha Out Of The God Club' too.

Buddha: Shut up Allah.

God: Look, why don't we just toss for it?

Allah: I call heads.

God: It is not your turn.

Allah: Tails.

Buddha: It is not your turn he said.

God: Buddha versus Krishna. Buddha calls.

Buddha: Tails.

[God tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

Buddha: Fuck it. That is fixed. I don't even know why I agreed.

Krishna: You want some cheese to go with that whine?

Allah: OK. Me against Krishna. I call heads.

[God tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

God: Me against Allah. Buddha tosses the coin.

Allah: I am going with tails this time.

[Buddha tosses the coin. It lands on heads.]

God: In your faces. This one is mine. Another one for Christianity.

Krishna: But you only won a single toss.

God: Look Buddha lost to you. Then, you lost to Allah, and finally Allah lost to me.

Krishna: But you didn't beat me or Buddha.

God: So?

Krishna: Well, you won, so did Allah, so did Buddha. Seems you all only won once. Not really fair to say that you get the dead person.

God: OK. I will go against Buddha. And then the winner of that can go against Allah.

Buddha: Seems fair to me.

Allah: Lets do this.

[Krishna tosses the coin. God calls heads. It lands on tails.]

Buddha: In your face.

God: Lucky toss.

Allah: I call heads.

Buddha: As I won the last round I should call first.

Allah: What does it matter?

God: He has a point.

Allah: OK, let him call.

Buddha: Tails.

[Krishna tosses. It lands on heads.]

Allah: That settles it. I win. Another victory for Islam.

God: Maybe we should make a fairer system.

Allah: I won, fair and square.

Krishna: I hate to agree with Allah, but he did win.

God: OK. See if I care. I am going to make another Earth. This time I think I will let the dinosaurs live.

[There is a cough behind them.]

Dead Man: Excuse me.

Allah: What is it my obediant servant.

Dead Man: Obediant? Me? No.

Allah: You have to be. I won.

Dead Man: So?

Allah: Means I get to decide your afterlife.

Dead Man: This is all just a bad dream.

God: No, this is the afterlife.

Dead Man: No, I mean I am an atheist. None of you exist. Therefore it is just a bad dream.

Krishna: We exist. You were just wrong.

Dead Man: Maybe. Maybe not.

God: No maybe about it. We do exist.

Dead Man: Not to me. To me you are just all some crazy voices in my head. Like I said, just a bad dream.

Buddha: So what was all the coin tossing for?

God: No clue. I hate atheists.

Allah: Me too.

Krishna: I could reincarnate him as a believer and we can decide it another time.

Dead Man: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Who says you can reincarnate me if I don't believe in you? That is how the afterlife is? Dictatorship?

Krishna: Pretty much.

Dead Man: And I get no say?

God: No.

Dead Man: Can I at least get to choose what I get reincarnated as?

Krishna: Doesn't work like that. You get whatever I choose.

Dead Man: Even though I don't believe in any of you?

Krishna: OK. What do you want to go back as?

Dead Man: I don't want to go back.

God: What? You get a second chance.

Dead Man: For what? I died with my family in a horrible accident. Unless they go back I don't want to. And I don't really wnat to go back just to have to do this whole mess again in 90 years.

God: Oh, I see.

Allah: Too bad. We decided. You go back.

Dead Man: I thought Krishna decided this not you?

Allah: Well, yes. But you started debating the whole reincarnation. So you opened it up for all to join in.

Buddha: We should be more considerate of his wishes.

Dead Man: Thank you.

Buddha: You thanked me. Which means you admit I exist.

Dead Man: Or I am so insane I have started talking to the voices in my head and this messed up dream.

God: (angrily) Forget it. I am sending him to Hell.

Allah: Solves it. And we can get on with something else.

Buddha: I can go with that solution.

Krishna: Me too.

[God sends the guy to Hell]

[At Hell]

Satan: Oh great another one. Guess they couldn't decide again?

Dead Man: Well, in a way. They offered me reincarnation. But as it is just a dream I will wake and it won't matter.

Satan: Dream? Forget that. This is Hell. Tormented forever, burning fiery lake and all that.

Dead Man: I am anatheist. You don't exist ...

[Satan kicks the guy into the fiery lake. His screams join the masses of other screams.]

Satan: Only thing worse than atheists is politicans, lawyers, and reality TV stars.

 So, live life. Don't worry about what might, or might not, happen after you die. And if you need to hold on to some idea there is a God. Remember he is one of many that has to prove himself worthy of you. You have nothing to prove.

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