Saturday, 25 April 2015

What If ... Hitler Started A Knitting Club

Adolf Hitler, possibly the most hated person in history, after the Kardashian family, and the person who invented parking tickets. But what if he had took a different path. What if he had decided to do something else rather than invade Poland?

Hitler: OK, we have Germany running like a well-oiled machine. The people are happy, the country is making money what shall we do now?
Göring: We could exterminate all the Jews.
Hitler: Whoa! Where is that coming from? I have a neighbour who is Jewish. Very nice chap. Keeps his garden immaculate. I really think you might need some counselling for your issues.
Göring: Sorry, just a bad night. Didn't get much sleep.
Hitler: Well, no need to take it out on the Jewish people. Why not just get a couple of hours sleep in the corner there?
Göring: Yeah I might just do that.

[Göring goes to the corner for a sleep]

Hess: Why don't we design a car?
Hitler: That is the spirit. Give something back to the people. What shall we call it?
Hess: The Volkswagen Cockroach.
Hitler: What? That is terrible. Who in their right mind would want to drive a car called cockroach? Imagine you are at the NSDAP Christmas party and you manage to get a date, she is hardly going to be impressed with you saying: Hey, want to go back to my place in my cockroach?
Rosenberg: True that. What about the Volkswagen Daffodil?
Hitler: I am working with fools. One is a moron and the other seems to have some crazy idea that we should name a car after a flower.
Brandt: How about we call it the Beetle?
Hess: Was you not listening? I said cockroach and Adolf didn't like that idea. You might as well have French cheese in your ears.
Brandt: But a beetle isn't a cockroach. Now who looks stupid?
Hitler: (shouting) Shut up!
Hess: Now you have made him mad. So it will be no chocolate biscuits for you today when we have our break.
Hitler: I like Beetle. I think we could call it Betty. Maybe have a cute children's book that goes along with it.
Hess: How is a beetle any better than a cockroach?
Hitler: Maybe the next one will be called a cockroach.
Brandt: Or a Polo.
Hess: Either you call it cockroach or I am not playing.
Hitler: OK. The next one will be called a Volkswagen Cockroach.
Hess: Good.
Hitler: (loudly) Göring, wake up. We need you to design a car.
Göring: What?
Hitler: Design a car.
Göring: I have never designed a car in my life.
Hitler: Give it a go, I have faith in you.
Göring: OK. Can I have some paper then?
Hitler: I gave you paper yesterday. What did you use all that on?
Göring: Posters, advertising our knitting club.
Hitler: It is meant to be a secret knitting club. We can't be advertising it. Next thing you know everybody will want to join. Then before you know it the whole idea of our little club has got out of hand and is no longer what we envisioned.
Göring: I know that. But I thought a few more members would give us a greater choice of patterns.
Hess: Got to agree with that. I'm getting bored of knitting swastikas.
Hitler: (annoyed) Whose club is it?
Göring: Yours.
Hitler: And who decides who gets to join?
Göring: You do.
Hitler: And if I am not here to make decisions, who does?
Göring: Papen.
Hitler: And where is Papen?
Göring: No clue. Haven't seen him for weeks.
Hitler: OK then. Hess can be in charge when I am not here.
Hess: Can we change the name of the club then?
Hitler: To What?
Hess: The Socialist Knitting And Sewing Party?
Hitler: No. It is meant to be a secret. What bit of the word 'secret' do you people not get?
Braun: I found out about it on the work notice board. There was a poster advertising it.
Göring: I told you them posters worked.
Hitler: Look, we meet and knit in secret. Nobody is meant to know. There will be no more posters. There will be no new name telling people what we are doing. We will continue to meet each Wednesday and knit. We will share patterns, wool, and ideas. That is it. Nothing else.
Göring: What about the car?
Hitler: Don't mention that we did it. Blame it on Volkswagen. That way we can remain secret.
Hess: I'm on a diet. Could I have plain biscuits today?
Hitler: Right. No biscuits for you. No biscuits for anyone. Now all of you be silent and get back to your knitting.
Axmann: (whispering) Who died and made him Führer?
Hitler: I heard that!

It may not have happened that way but it could have. Maybe they just ran out of wool. So if you see a short little Austrian complaining there is not enough wool, just give him some wool. Who knows what might happen if he doesn't knit.

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