Monday, 20 October 2014

If I Was God: Christmas Is Cancelled For Christmas

The TV has started showing all the usual Christmas commercials; and as usual they start 2 weeks before Halloween.

But let us take a moment to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Anyone remember what it is? Because historians and Biblical scholars are pretty sure that Jesus was born nowhere near the 25th of December.

Some have suggested that Christmas was placed in December to allow the Pagans to join the church and still have their Pagan holiday.

Some have suggested that it was a plot by the ugly women of the time so that they could use Christmas drinks to get the men drunk and get knocked up for a nice September birth.

Some, namely the Muslims, have suggested that the infidels should not celebrate Christmas. So no presents for them then.

One person, namely Tony who was sat in the pub drunk once, has suggested that the star wasn't a star but a UFO, and that Christmas is a celebration of our first contact with aliens but the government hid it in a Christian celebration to cover it up.

With no real reason for having Christmas on December 25th each year it is time once and for all to take the day and give it a real meaning - God Day.

God Day won't be used as a celebration of any birth; because if you use the low estimate of 4004BC as the day of creation 6000+ candles is just a fire hazard when you pass the tacky plastic tree. It will be a celebratory day where people can celebrate God just being God.

The usual traditions will remain, except that Santa will be added to the Bible. It will now read:

"On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped Him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And the fourth, namely Santa, gave Jesus the gift he had written and asked for." (Matthew 2:11, New God Version)

Now before the scholars start saying 'How did Jesus write a letter to Santa before he was even born?' Don't over-think it. Just see it as the first miracle. JFK had the magic bullet; Jesus can have the magic letter.

And instead of it being a day it will be three days of celebration. Starting with God Day, then Jesus Day, and ending with Holy Spirit Day. And together the 3 days shall be known as Christmas.

Apart from Santa being added to the Bible a new tradition will be started. Anyone who says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" for fear of upsetting someone shall be stoned to death in public market squares.

Its OK to say "Happy Holidays" if you are a heathen, and want to follow some God who is too lazy to blog about his plans, but if you are only saying it because you don't want to upset someone you should be stoned to death.

So, enjoy the 3 days of days, drink, be merry, and remember this God loved man so much he gave him two extra days off work. You are welcome.

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