Saturday, 24 January 2015

Modern Grimm Tale: The Tailor In Heaven

Based on the fairy tale "The Tailor In Heaven"

A lot of debate is often heard about why God doesn't step in more when mankind fucks up. Roger had wondered this also. But now he was dead he had to wonder no more.

Roger: Hey, where is everyone?
St Peter: Not a clue. I went to pee; came back and there was nobody about.
Roger: So who do I see about getting into Heaven?
St Peter: That would be me luckily.
Roger: I see. Roger Taylor; tailor.
St Peter: (chuckling) Tailor by name tailor by nature.
Roger: They are spelt different.
St Peter: (to himself) That ruined that joke.
Roger: Pardon?
St Peter: Ah here you are. Roger Taylor, spelled the correct way, born and raised in Doncaster.
Roger: That is me.
St Peter: If you tried to refrain to speaking only when spoken to this would go quicker.
Roger: Sorry.
St Peter: Where was I? Oh yes. Never married. Had a good life. Died today in Doncaster.

There was an awkward pause.

St Peter: Well is that you?
Roger: Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise I was allowed to talk.
St Peter: I see you will be trouble.
Roger: I'm just saying it wasn't really a question so I didn't realise I was allowed to speak.
St Peter: That is going on your file.
Roger: What is?
St Peter: Just a note for the Personnel department.
Roger: There is a Personnel department?
St Peter: Heaven doesn't just exist you know.
Roger: But I thought God ran Heaven.
St Peter: (laughing) So does he; but he doesn't. Think of him more as that friendly uncle that thinks he knows everything but knows nothing. Comes round once in a while tries to tell you how things should be, and how they were in his day; and then clears off not to be seen for a few months.

St Peter flips through the book, and just as he is about to write in the book he notices something.

St Peter: Oh dear.
Roger: What?
St Peter: This is not good.
Roger: What isn't good?
St Peter: Says here I can't let you in Heaven.
Roger: What the fuck?
St Peter: That is not helping.
Roger: Why can't I come in?
St Peter: Says you stole clothing.
Roger: Oh that. It was a long time...

St Peter interrupts with laughter.

Roger: What is so funny?
St Peter: (laughing) A tailor cannot get into Heaven for stealing clothing. You have to admit the irony is funny.
Roger: Not really.
St Peter: Well, if you take a seat over there on the left someone will be along to escort you to Hell.
Roger: No way. Who do I speak to?
St Peter: Not me. I'm just doing my job.I start making decisions above my position someone will notice and before you know it I'm reduced to cleaning the toilets in the great hall.
Roger: Can't we work something out?
St Peter: Go on.
Roger: Can't we just forget it. I mean you see the book and nobody else. So if you pretend you didn't see it then I'll get into Heaven and it'll all be OK.
St Peter: And why would I do that?
Roger: I'm sure it says in that book that as a tailor I was very fair. I used to donate clothes to charity and that.
St Peter: It does.
Roger: So surely that outweighs one little mistake.
St Peter: Little mistake? You stole ladies underwear from washing lines.
Roger: It was small underwear. You know that lacy stuff.
St Peter: 148 pairs of underwear, 19 bras, and a corset. Not what what you would really call a little mistake.
Roger: Oh come on. I had a problem.
St Peter: I'd say so.
Roger: I got help.
St Peter: After being arrested.
Roger: OK. You got me. But like I said I did all the good stuff after that. Surely that has to count for something?
St Peter: Don't call me Shirley.
Roger: I said surely.
St Peter: Oh sorry, you see on Wednesday evenings I'm Shirley in the bar.
Roger: So you like dressing up as a woman too?
St Peter: Just on Wednesdays.
Roger: So how about as one transvestite to another you just overlook it and let me in to Heaven?
St Peter: OK. Just this once. But don't mention this to anyone.
Roger: Thank you.
St Peter: We have to stick together sister.
Roger: Amen to that. So can I go in now?
St Peter: No.
Roger: You have got to be fucking kidding me?
St Peter: No.
Roger: But you just said I could go in.
St Peter: No. I said I'd overlook your sin.
Roger: If I have no sin then I can go into Heaven surely.
St Peter: Hey keep that information to yourself and always call me Peter.
Roger: OK Peter. With no sin I must be allowed into Heaven.
St Peter: On a normal day yes. But today is not normal.
Roger: Why?
St Peter: Because this morning God in his infinite wisdom decided to take everyone for a walk.
Roger: So, why are you here?
St Peter: Because someone has to look after the place. I do such an important job that God didn't even ask me to accompany him because he knew I would have to decline.
Roger: He didn't even ask you?
St Peter: No.
Roger: Does he ever ask you?
St Peter: No, but that is because...
Roger: That is because God is homophobic.
St Peter: Don't be ridiculous. He doesn't even know what I do on Wednesdays.
Roger: Hello, It is God. Omnipresent and all that. He knows everything.
St Peter: Damn me to Hell I forgot about that.
Roger: Does that mean the West Boro Baptist church was right?
St Peter: Don't be stupid. God can't be homophobic.
Roger: Why?
St Peter: Jesus.
Roger: What? Jesus was gay?
St Peter: Spent most of his adult life with 12 men, one woman, and his mother. I am not saying he was gay but you have to think as the son of God you could get a woman pregnant if you was doing anything.
Roger: I suppose. So I can't come in to Heaven?
St Peter: Well yes and no. I say you can but God would have to agree.
Roger: So can you ask him?
St Peter: Like I said he went on a walk. As soon as he gets back I can ask him. But for now just sit over there and when he gets back we can get everything sorted out.
Roger: Can't you call him?
St Peter: (chuckling) What on his heavenly mobile phone?
Roger: Oh I see. OK I'll wait.
St Peter: As soon as he is back you will be the first thing I'll make sure of it.

Roger went and sat down. As he waited he thought about his conversation with St Peter. If Jesus was gay what else in the Bible was wrong. If Pontius Pilate washing his hands once was so important to mention does it mean he never washed them after going to the toilet? Was the virgin Mary really a virgin? Why did Joseph the carpenter make Mary give birth to Jesus in a stable; surely he knew another carpenter in his own home town?

Roger waited and waited until he was bored. He got up off the chair and started to pace. Then he walked. He found a hole in the fence. He thought to himself that this might just be some test. If he went in God would throw him down to Hell. He turned around and took a couple of steps then decided to go through the hole.

Heaven was everything Roger thought it would be. He wandered around looking at everything. Eventually he found a door that said 'GOD' on it. He thought as he had to see God anyway he might as well wait in there.

Opening the door he was somewhat disappointed to see just an ordinary looking office. A desk, a chair, and a few filing cabinets. He had always imagined God would have some golden throne room. He sat on the chair wondering how many decisions had been made by God while he sat in the chair.

Roger turned the PC on. God used Google Earth. Roger zoomed into Pakistan. He zoomed further and further in. As he zoomed in he saw a woman stealing. He was outraged. God had CCTV on the entire Earth and let all the bad things still happen. He could stop this. He could be God. He right-clicked on the woman and a pop-up menu appeared. Roger selected 'Throw chair at woman'. He watched the screen as out of nowhere a golden chair hit the woman. She was knocked out cold. The shopkeeper saw her and got his goods back.

Roger thought he had done a good thing.

Suddenly the door opened. God walked in. He spotted Roger sitting at his chair.

God: What is the meaning of this?
Roger: My name is Roger...
God: (interrupting) Roger Taylor. I'm God remember. That doesn't explain why you are in my office.
Roger: I spoke with St Peter. He said I could go into Heaven but because you were walking he couldn't let me in until you got back.
God: Yet you are in Heaven; and more importantly in my office.
Roger: I was waiting and then I got bored and I wandered off, I got lost, so I decided to wait in here.
God: I see. Well if you get out of my chair we can sort this out and get you where you are meant to be.
Roger: Thank God for that.
God: Really?

Roger got out of the chair. God sat down. He looked at the PC screen. He stood up.

God: What have you done?
Roger: Nothing.
God: There is a dead woman on my screen.
Roger: Oh her. Yeah I did that for you. She was stealing.
God: What? Stealing? And you killed her for that?
Roger: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I didn't kill anyone I just threw a chair at her.
God: Using the Right-click method?
Roger: Yes. But it said it would just throw a chair at her. It did and knocked her out. The shopkeeper got his goods back.
God: You killed her for stealing food! It is in 'God mode'. If one of the saints throw a chair it is just a chair. But in 'God mode' it is the chair of death. She died.
Roger: Oh shit! I didn't know.
God: That is why I'm God and you are just a tailor. If I was as merciless as you Heaven would be empty.
Roger: But I didn't know.
God: As you keep saying.
Roger: There is 7 billion people down there. One mistake isn't such a big thing.
God: Every life is important.
Roger: I guess I'm not getting into Heaven now am I?
God: Certainly not.

God took the tailor to the gates. And handed him over to the deciders. The last thing God heard was the screams from Roger as he was taken down to Hell.

But the story doesn't end there. Many of you will be wondering what happened.

God put a password on his PC so that no more mistakes could happen. Although some think that JesusIsGay01 is not a strong enough password.

St Peter left his job and is now known as Pearl. He runs a bar in Heaven.

Roger was taken to Hell. Where he is choked to death with women's underwear, revived, and choked to death continually.

The woman that roger had killed with the chair was lucky. She was a Hindu and as such was reincarnated. Luckily for her she was reincarnated as a princess and had no need to steal, and spent her life helping the poor.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for your comment. Please note that all comments are not moderated and as such are not the responsibility of this blog; or its author.