Friday, 6 February 2015

God vs Allah

The pay-per-view event that any satellite company would happily charge for - God vs Allah.

OK before I begin I am neither a Christian nor a Muslim. To be honest both religions have there good and bad points. But me, I'm going with the idea that if there is any sort of deity behind this whole messed up world; he or she can judge me as an individual and not as some slave to a religion that was created by a man.

With all the news reports about the Islamic State killing anyone they feel like, I was wondering why Christians don't do the same thing. To me the Islamic State is basically killing anyone who doesn't agree with their belief. Surely what is good for the goose should be good for the gander. Why has there been no Christian State uprising?

The Quran says:

"I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them." (Quran 8:15)

But the Quran isn't the only religious book to suggest killing all those that don't believe in a particular deity. The Bible says:

"If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them; Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the Lord your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him. And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the Lord your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the Lord thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee. If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth; Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage. And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you." (Deu 13:1-11, KJV)

Admittedly I prefer the Quran version as it gets straight to the point. No messing about with explaining itself. Someone doesn't worship Allah cut their head off. However the Bible version seems to go with a more sadistic 'triple death':

"But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die;" (Deu 13:9-10, KJV)

You beat the non-believer to death. The people beat the non-believer to death. And then just to make sure stone the non-believer to death.

But that way just ends up with loads of people dead for not believing in some version of a deity. And it has to be said that without people these deities have no use. So to make sure there are people left to worship it would be better if God and Allah fought it out and the winner gets all the worshippers.

But a battle between God and Allah wouldn't be a fight, and the pay-per-view wouldn't be on a sport channel. It would be a war of words. But every war of words needs an arbitrator; and who better than Buddha to keep things fair and in order.

Buddha: Ladies and Gentlemen tonight we are joined by God and Allah who will debate why you should choose them...
God: Fuck that, I am God. Do as I say or I smite you bastards off my Earth.
Allah: Shut the hell up! That would be that Earth that was here before you were. Everyone knows Christianity is just a rip off of various religious beliefs that were around many centuries before its inception.
God: This from the false God that tells everyone kill in my name and when you get to Heaven there will be 72 virgins waiting for you. There is a reason they are virgins. They are as ugly as Judas' arse. Like being told that you are getting a pet for Christmas; just to find it is a reincarnated Buddhist wrapped up under your tree.
Buddha: I am not part of this. It is between you two megalomaniacs. You bring me into this and I'll go all Bruce Lee on you; you old bastard.
Allah: (laughing) Listen at you two. There are over one and a half billion Muslims. I could command them to kill all the Christians and Buddhists...
Buddha: (interrupting) Why must you drag Buddhism into your pointless squabble?
God: The pair of you little bitches can kiss my Godly arse. I got over two billion people that bow down to me. So suck these Godly nuts the pair of you.
Buddha: OK. OK. Lets get to the questions. God why should anyone pick Christianity?
God: Because if they don't I'll flood this worthless piece of rock. You think I care? I made the whole galaxy. These people either worship me or I destroy them. I am the original dictator. Hell, Putin gets an erection just wishing he could be me.
Buddha: And Allah, why should anyone pick Islam?
Allah: Simple. You don't my people will cut your head off. And if that takes too long they will just declare a jihad, and boom, it is all over but the picking up of the pieces.
Buddha: Point goes to Allah. Next question - who would win in a fight between Jesus and Muhammad?
God: OK, who would you bet on? Some guy moving mountains or some guy who not only comes back from the dead laughs about it as he pokes his fingers in the holes where the nails were?
Allah: And when my Muhammad puts a mountain on top of your Jesus what is he going to do? Remember the cross? Whining like a bitch - "Oh Daddy, Oh Daddy, why has thou forsaken me?" Little hippy needs you to do his fighting. That was why he came up with the bullshit trinity, too scared to fight his own battles. "You fight me you have to fight my Dad and the Holy spirit too." My Muhammad would spit on his shallow grave.
God: Bullshit trinity? We are like the holy Power Rangers. Piss one of us off and we join up and attack like a Megazoid God. And then your little Muhammad kiss his arse and his mountain goodbye while Jesus sends him to Hell in a hand basket.
Allah: That is cheating. Muhammad will beat your Jesus in a one-on-one fight.
God: Is that if his 9-year old wife lets him out? What the fuck! That is just wrong.
Allah: Says the guy with the beard that still hasn't complained that Seth was fucking his own sister to populate the planet.
God: At least his sister was legal.
Buddha: Can't argue with that logic. Point to God. Now for the deciding point. What can anyone expect for obeying you?
Allah: I got this one. 72 virgins. What else have I got to say? Its pure money. Worship me and when you die I'll give you 72 virgins.
God: Like I said 72 of the ugliest virgins any man has ever seen. Worship me and when you get to Heaven there is a whole legion of angels waiting for you.
Allah: Angels? That would be those sexless angels. Nobody even knows if they are male or female. Wait until bed time and trying to find a hole to fuck. Good luck with that. Like trying to find a Catholic Priest that doesn't have a cock that smells like little boys.
Buddha: Why don't you both shut up. Worship me and when you die there is reincarnation. You think Hitler died and stayed dead? He was a Buddhist. He was reincarnated as a Swedish milkmaid.
God: Fuck you. I sent Hitler to Hell.
Allah: I have Hitler trapped in Jahannam.
Vishnu: What is all this noise about? Hitler? I sent him. It was the price for not becoming Hindus. And when that didn't work I sent the Kardashians. Now can you three wannabes shut up and remember I am the oldest religion. Show your elders some respect you little fuckers.
Buddha: I know kung fu.

It would be a great pay-per-view for the History Channel. But in the end nothing will be decided. It'll be like 4 old men outside the pub arguing about who killed the most during World War 2. Doesn't matter. So Christians stop thinking you are better than the rest of the world. Muslims stop killing people because they don't believe in Allah. Buddhists keep reincarnating and you see the planet getting worse and worse thank Buddha who keeps sending you back. And Hindus you may be the oldest religion but nobody really gives a shit. Charles Manson got followers and he wasn't even a religion.

When it comes down to it. If it looks like shit and smells like shit you do not need to taste it to know it is shit. No matter what you call your deity there is no proof any of them exist. So pray to one of the old men fighting outside the pub; at least you know they exist.

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