If I Was God: Let Us Pray

It is Sunday morning, you are still hung over from the party last night, and there you are in church praying to a God who may or may not answer your prayers.

Doesn't seem fair does it? God, the omnipresent deity, doesn't have to put his best suit on. He doesn't have to make sure the kids are ready. He doesn't even have to do the 20 minute drive to church. Yet you do so you can go and tell him how thankful you are that he didn't answer the prayers from last week because the Kardashians are all still alive.

Seriously, if you have to make the effort to go to church the least God could do is answer your prayers while you are there.

So without further ado lets get a new style of praying set-up so that you don't have to waste too much time on Sunday. And, to be honest, as your God I really don't want to waste too much checking who did or didn't turn up to church.

Pray at home. Look, if I am God and have this ability to be everywhere at once why do I need to make you go to a particular building just to do something you could do at home? Stay in your pyjamas and pray at home. I don't care that much about what you are wearing. I'm just interested in your prayer. You want to lounge around for the morning in your underwear, throw a quick prayer in before getting dressed, and then head out for a family meal by all means go ahead. I promise I'm not looking.

So while you are all praying at home and you have saved a bit of time by not having to go to church how about you do something for me? Cut out all the long introductions in your prayers, cut out all the padding, cut out all the unnecessary arse-kissing. Just get to the point and move on. Look I'm God I know if your heart is true or not. I don't need to hear you whine for a few minutes. Just ask your question and I'll hear it; and because I know your heart I will know if you are serious.

A Catholic prayer (Give Me Strength, Lord) goes:

"Lord, you are Holy above all others, and all of the strength that I need is in your hands.
I am not asking, Lord, that you take this trial away. Instead, I simply ask that Your will be done in my life. Whatever that means, that is what I want.
But I admit that it's hard, Lord.
Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. The pain and the fear are too much for me, and I know that I don't have the strength on my own to get through this.
I know that I can come to you, Jesus, and that you will hear my prayer. I know that it is not your intent to bring me to this point just to leave me in the wilderness alone.
Please, Lord, give me the strength that I need to face today. I don't have to worry about tomorrow.
If you just give me the strength that I need today that is all I need.
Keep me from sinning during this trial. Instead, help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the Holy Lord, and all of my hope rests in you.
Thank you for hearing my prayer.
In Jesus' name. Amen."

Sorry to take my own name in vain but good God what is the point? By the time you have got to the third line I have already moved on. I get it - I am above all others, your life is in my hands, you want my help. But do you need to tell me time and time again?

You don't waste each others time when you talk otherwise it would be something like this:

Dave: Good afternoon James, who is the cousin of my friend Simon, I have this problem that I do believe only you can help with.
James: Good afternoon Dave, the friend of my cousin Simon, I would be happy to assist you in any way that I could if that would so help you out in this problem that you have.
Dave: Thank you very much James, who is the cousin of my friend Simon, thanks for hearing my problem and in your son's name thank you also.
James: Not a problem Dave, the friend of my cousin Simon, I will endeavour to sort out your problem in a timely manner and thank you for mentioning my son in there also. By the way he is well even though you didn't specifically ask about him.

Five minutes of conversation would instead waste hours of your lives.

The prayer (Give Me Strength, Lord) will now read as such:

"Hi God, I have a problem I hope you can help me out with it. If not no worries. Thanks. Amen."

All done in under 20 seconds; and you didn't have to even go to church. It is good for you it is good for me; and most importantly we can all enjoy our Sundays just that little more.