Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Craziness In The Bible

Isn't it about time someone wrote, or translated, the Bible into words which cannot be read to mean certain things?

There are over 38,000 Christian religions, not including all the basement cults, and yet they all have the Bible; yet they all have a different set of rules.

I mean every religion has a translated version of the Bible; and somehow they all get different things from it. Surely if there ever was a Bible, and all these religions translated from the same source, they should all be on the same page.

But taking a non-denomination look at the Bible it is easy to see why all the Christian religions have so many opinions.

Starting at the beginning; literally:

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth." (KJV Genesis 1:26)

And God said to whom? Who was God talking to? Seriously, If you read the start of Genesis up to this point the only things created, so far, are: Heven, Earth, Water, Land, Sun, Moon, and a few animals. So from the beginning the Bible seems to say that God is either talking to the animals (which can be discounted because man is not in there image) or he was basically talking to himself. So the start of the Bible, in plain language, says that God is a crackpot and is talking to himself.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." (KJV Genesis 1:27)

So now the story is changed. It goes back to 'his' image. God doesn't even remember talking to himself. Nice start to any religion.

"And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." (KJV Genesis 1:29)

Every herb bearing seed? I'm pretty sure marijuana has seeds. So, in theory, if you are a Christian and you want to smoke marijuana the U.S. government cannot stop you; thanks to the 1st Amendment - "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;"

In theory, you want to smoke a herb bearing seed, such as marijuana, your only defense in court would need to be that God said it was alright. Judge would have to throw out the case against you or commit a crime themselves by breaching the 1st Amendment.

"Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (KJV Genesis 3:1-5)

So in three chapters, we have an unstable God talking to himself and along comes a talking serpent. And this is meant to be reality? Seriously? A talking serpent. And you'll notice that Eve doesn't even give a shit that this serpent talks. Which makes you wonder if she was just used to animals talking to her.

Next time you are walking through the garden and a serpent talks to you try to remember your reaction.

"And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died." (KJV Genesis 5:5)

Adam lived for 930 years. Taking that he retired at 65 how long did he get a pension for? All those that said 865 years can sit at the back. There was no pension. But, holy shit, the guy lived for 930 years. Let us be thankful there was no pension. Just imagine how much more the national budget would be screwed if everyone was living until they were 930. Maybe the government is killing people off for this fact alone. 900 years of old people walking around; albeit very slowly and always in the way.

"And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth." (KJV Genesis 6:12-13)

Whoa whoa whoa. Christians are just happy to let this go by? Nobody questions it? I mean seriously God just said he's going to wipe mankind off the face of the earth for being corrupt and nobody questions this supposed 'loving God'? There is tough love and there is just taking the piss.

And Noah who has no choice is told exactly how to build the ark (KJV Genesis 6:14-16).

Hang on. 3 verses to give the whole design for an ark?

"Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it." (KJV Genesis 6:14-16)

What does everyone notice? There is only one window mentioned. We have an ark to hold two of every animal walking the Earth; and only one window. And let us not forget Noah, his wife, their sons, their son's wives. Thats a lot of toilet time for just one window.

But the kicker is that once the flood was over Noah and his sons have to replenish the Earth.

"And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." (KJV Genesis 9:1)

And Noah doesn't bother to point out the obvious.

God: Noah, you and your sons go replenish the Earth with people.
Noah: Hold up there Chief. I'm 600 years old and you want me to replenish the Earth?
God: Yes, you and your sons.
Noah: You do realize that if you didn't just kill everyone off I wouldn't have to.
God: They needed to be taught a lesson.
Noah: A lesson? You killed them.
God: But they didn't do as they were told.
Noah: That does not give you the right to kill them. Seriously, you call yourself a loving God and then kill off mankind for not doing what you said to do. That makes you a dictator.
God: Careful Noah; or you might not live much longer.
Noah: Oh here we go with the threats again.
God: Just do it.
Noah: And what if Emzara has a headache?
God: She wont. I'll see to that.
Noah: That is just wrong.

And that is just the first 10 chapters of the first book of the Bible. There are 1,188 chapters in the whole Bible. So go pick one up (ask the local Catholic priest for the King James with Apocrypha if you want to save cash) and check out the craziness that exists in the Bible. It will help you understand why none of the Christian religions cannot agree on anything.

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