Monday, 11 June 2012

God: Loving And Forgiving?

Every religion preaches that their God is kind, loving, and forgiving. But the reality is somewhat different.

The reality is that, no matter what religion you choose, God is a dictator. Without jumping on specific religions the premise of all gods is: "Do as I say or you'll end up in eternal damnation." OK not all religions use the term 'eternal damnation' but on the whole the idea is the same. You do as you are told or your future is not looking so bright.

In the Bible God creates everything and then finally, after some deliberation, creates man. The first thing God does is put Adam to work; naming all the animals:

God: This one?
Adam: Cow.
God: What the hell?
Adam: What? Cow sounds good.
God: You sure?
Adam: Yeah. Why not?
God: You can't think of anything better?
Adam: You said it was my decision.
God: I know. But put some effort into it.
Adam: OK.
God: This one?
Adam: Dog.
God: You have to be kidding me.
Adam: What?
God: Three letters again. Thought you agreed to put some effort in?
Adam: Alright alright. But I'll be honest with you; my heart just isn't in it.
God: Well you have to do this.
Adam: Why?
God: Because I said so.
Adam: OK. But I'm still not really bothered.
God: Give the next animal a name.
Adam: Cat.
God: Forget it. I'll create a woman while you sleep and she can do it.

But Eve didn't really help God. Actually she was the first to prove that God was nothing more than an egotistical dictator.

Serpent: Hey Eve. Eat from this tree.
Eve: Piss off you talking snake.
Serpent: Go on it tastes good.
Eve: I don't know. God said not to.
Serpent: You going to let a man tell you what to do for the rest of your life?
Eve: Hell no. No way.
Serpent: Well, eat the fruit then.
Eve: I don't know.
Serpent: Look. God said no. So to prove your women's rights you got to eat the fruit.
Eve: I don't know. Look what happened to Lilith.
Serpent: Who is Lilith?
Eve: I'm not sure. Adam mentioned her once; but she is not about anymore.
Serpent: Forget Lilith. This is about you. Standing up for women all around the world.
Eve: OK I'll eat the fruit.
Serpent: Good girl. That is it.
Eve: (after taking a bite) Wait a minute. What other women around the world?
Serpent: Don't worry about that now. You should take some of that fruit to Adam.
Eve: OK.
Serpent: My work here is done. I'll be off.
Eve: Hey!
Serpent: What?
Eve: What is a world?

Then thanks to the serpent, and Eve, Adam eats the fruit too. Then lo and behold God shows up, pissed, showing his true colors. He banishes Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He tells Adam he will have to till the ground the rest of his life. Eve gets lumbered with childbirth and all the pain that goes with it. The serpent, more commonly referred to as a snake, gets off lightly - he gets told he will have to go around on his belly. Like he wasn't already doing that? The serpent got an easier sentence than the thieving skank more commonly known as Lindsay Lohan. And if you want to jump forward some - the serpent gets as many chances as Lindsay Lohan seems he gets the whole earth for a thousand years. Luckily Lindsay Lohan won't last that long.

Back to the dictator known as God. Not content with stripping mankind of eternal life he gets really pissed when he realizes the whole earth is full of scum. He gets so pissed he decides to take out everyone.

Everyone? Where the hell was NATO when this homicidal maniac was ready to wipe mankind off the face of the earth? Ever notice nobody is ever around when you need them? Hear someone break in to your house and call the police; you won't see them for fifteen minutes. Forget to put your seat belt on; and they'll have you ticketed within two blocks of your house.

Anyhow. God decides that he isn't going to kill everyone. Well, he decides he'll save Noah and his family. This amounts to eight people; and still no sign of NATO or the US forces. Maybe someone should have mentioned God's stockpile of oil; and they would have been all over him like flies on shit.

But God doesn't save Noah. He forces him into slave labor to survive.

God: Noah come here.
Noah: Can it wait? I'm a bit busy.
God: If you think flooding the world can wait.
Noah: OK. No need to get narky about it. What you want?
God: I'm flooding the whole earth.
Noah: What the hell man. Are you crazy?
God: Wait a minute. I got some good news.
Noah: Its not April the first is it?
God: No.
Noah: Damn.
God: I will let you and your family live.
Noah: Oh really. I was saying to Shem the other night you are not such an asshole.
God: But if you want to live you have to build an ark.
Noah: Really? One question though.
God: What is it?
Noah: What is an ark?
God: That is not important.
Noah: Whoa hold up there. My life, and that of my family, depends on an ark. I have no clue what an ark is and that is not too important? Might not be to you but it sure as hell is to me.
God: There are some more rules.
Noah: Rules?
God: Yes. I want you to take two of every animal on the ark with you.
Noah: And that is the only rule?
God: Sort of. You'll be in the ark for a while. So what do you say?
God: Calm down. It is just a big boat.
Noah: And I have to fill it with animals?
God: Two of every animal that lives on land.
Noah: And then you are going to flood the entire earth?
God: Yeah.
Noah: Well it looks like I have no choice. Not exactly a lot of options is there. Either build an ark and fill it with animals or drown. What did I ever do to you?
God: Nothing. That is why I am saving you.
Noah: Paint it any way you want chief but you are not saving me anything. I have to round these animals up, build a boat, and be the ridicule of everyone who doesn't think a flood is coming. If that is your idea of saving you have a twisted sense of humor.
God: You could just drown with all the other sinners.
Noah: See. No choice. OK I'll do it for my family. Now just because I am building this ark does not mean I'm agreeing with you.
God: Good man Noah.
Noah: Like I could say no.
God: Well I'll be seeing you soon; see how that ark is coming on.
Noah: Yeah yeah.

The thing is this. If Noah had been able to look into the future he would have been able to know that God couldn't wipe mankind out completely or there would have been no generations leading up to Mary; to give birth to Jesus. Flooding the world or not God had to have at least one survivor; if Noah had refused to build the ark God would have just had to find another way to keep Noah alive.

Adam, Eve, the Serpent, and Noah all happen in the very first book of the Bible. You could even go as far to say that the first five books of the Bible are God's version of 'Mein Kampf'. He dooms mankind to die. Floods the entire earth. Then he creates a ton of rules that mankind has to live by if they ever want to see heaven. (Just a note here to the Jehovah Witnesses. In the book of Deuteronomy he said not to eat blood. Never mentions a blood transfusion.)

The beginning of the Bible is the start of God's rule as a dictator. And right through to the book of Revelation it never ends. The Bible could be re-labeled as "The Dictator's Handbook" and it would be just as relevant.

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