Sunday, 14 September 2014

If I Was God: No Preferential Treatment

In the book of Genesis (Gen 2:18) God spots that Adam has no partner. So being God, when Adam is asleep, he takes one of the ribs of Adam and creates a partner called Eve.

All well and good for Adam. But it is the first case of nepotism God notices that the 'son' he created needs a partner and makes one. Anyone else had a partner created for them? No. Not even Jesus. Jesus dies at 33 years old, single, homeless, unemployed, a virgin, and with a ton of rumours regarding his sexuality after spending most of his adult life hanging around with 12 other men.

Why Adam? The only reason that makes any sense is that Adam was the first 'son'. He hadn't done anything to deserve such preferential treatment. All he had done up to this point was name a few animals and mope around the Garden of Eden like some emo teenager.

Hardly seems fair. Adam has no rules except being told not to eat from a certain tree yet a devout Christian is left partner-less while following the many, many, rules of the Bible.

So, it should be that one rule works for all. If you can create a partner for one you should create a partner for all that want one.

The same devout Christian goes to church every Sunday without fail, does all that he can to be a good person and uphold the values instilled by the Bible, so when he decides he wants a partner it should be done. Even if the request, in the form of a prayer, is something like:

"Dear God. I know you are busy with many things but I want a partner so if you could squeeze it in some time this week I'd really appreciate it. I know in your infinite wisdom you wouldn't let me down but to help you along, and save you some time, I have the following requests. Give her the brain of Albert Einstein. I want to be able to talk to her on many levels. Give her the face of Jennifer Lawerence. Might as well be easy on the eye so to speak. Give her the breasts of Kate Upton. After all when we multiply in your name Lord it'd be good that the milk supply is stored well. Give her the child-bearing hips of Shakira and the legs of Stacy Keibler. The rest I am sure you can handle and match up. When selecting a rib to use as the basis of this creation you may want to avoid the cracked one on the left side of my rib cage. Thank you in advance for tomorrow when I awake to my partner. Amen."

Now if God was to answer this kind of prayer, not only does it prove he is a kind, caring, thoughtful God it also proves that there was no favouritism with Adam; and the nepotism lawsuit against him can be dropped.

Only thing now is that the Bible has to be written again. Because by the time Jesus was crucified all the disciples would have prayed for their own Mary Magdalene. And there is no way in Hell that Jesus would have died on the cross a virgin with his celebrity status.

The other plus side is that TV screens will no longer be filled with commercials from unscrupulous websites trying to sell love via some shitty website using the idea that a computer algorithm can pick the perfect partner. Only God can create a partner for Malcolm who is 52 years old, living with his Mum, and collects "Hello Kitty" items from a Japanese online store.

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