Friday, 6 March 2015

The Worst Supper

The Last Supper - Before things kicked off.

Thanks to Leonardo da Vinci, we all know what the last supper looked like. Admittedly it wasn't painted until 1498 but it is the picture most people think of when they think of the last supper; and it shows from left to right: Bartholomew, James, Andrew, Judas Iscariot, Peter, John, Jesus, Thomas, James the Greater, Philip, Matthew, Jude, Thaddeus, and Simon the Zealot.

The painting, supposedly depicts the reaction to the news that one of them will betray Jesus. But what Leonardo da Vinci couldn't capture is the conversation taking place. The Bible doesn't help either; and we only get a few lines of what is said:

"Now when the even was come, he sat down with the twelve. And as they did eat, he said, Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me. And they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I? And he answered and said, He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born. Then Judas, which betrayed him, answered and said, Master, is it I? He said unto him, Thou hast said. And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom. And when they had sung an hymn, they went out into the mount of Olives. Then saith Jesus unto them, All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee. Peter answered and said unto him, Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended. Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. Peter said unto him, Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee. Likewise also said all the disciples." (Matthew 26:20-35, KJV)

Maybe if they had recorded the whole conversation; it would have been like this:

Jesus: One of you will betray me.
Peter: I bet is it Judas. Nobody likes him.
Jesus: Peter; shut up. I am not saying who it is.
Jude: Did he say Jude? What did I do?
Jesus: No, he said it was Judas.
Peter: Told you I was right.
Jesus: No you are not right Peter. I didn't say you was.
Judas: So it isn't me then?
Jesus: I didn't say it wasn't you.
Thomas: So why don't you just tell us?
Jesus: Because then you would all treat him differently.
Thomas: Well that makes things easier.
Peter: It does? How?
Thomas: He said 'he'. So we now know it isn't a woman.
Peter: So that rules out Mary his wife and Mary his mother. Great going there Sherlock.
Thomas: Mary is his wife? When did that happen?
Peter: Ask John, he writes all this stuff down.
Thomas: Hey John, can you pass the salt. And by the way when did Jesus marry Mary?
John: OK mouth, shut it. That is on a need-to-know basis, and you obviously didn't need to know.
Thomas: So you don't know?
John: Yes I do. Just that I was instructed by God not to tell you.
Thomas: How did you know it was God?
John: He had his God hat on.
Thomas: Who did?
John: Jesus.
Jesus: What?
John: Nothing. I was just explaining the trinity to Thomas.
Jesus: Good work there John.
John: Thanks Jesus
Philip: I bet it is me.
Thomas: Why do you say that?
Philip: Everyone picks on me.
Andrew: Oh, here we go with the gay rights again. Just drop it Philip. Nobody cares.
Philip: I know.
Jesus: (shouting) Will you all shut up. Nobody but me knows who it is. And I have something important to tell you.
John: Should I be writing this down?
Jesus: Yes. I thought you wrote everything down.
John: Well, I did until you and Mary went into that room for some spiritual healing; and you said it would be better not to write it down. Then you said if it was important you would tell me.
Jesus: I just said it was important.
John: I thought Mary receiving the Holy Spear was important but you said not to write it down.
Jesus: Look. Just write everything I say down; starting from now.
Philip: I can write neater than him, but nobody asked me to write anything down
Jesus: (shouting) For my sake, I swear to me I could not have picked 12 more useless disciples than you lot. Philip pass the bread and wine out. John write everything down. And everyone else can just be silent while I tell you something important.
Philip: So no fish today then?
Jesus: Do you see any fish? No. Then if there is no fish you can't pass fish out.
Philip: Didn't see any wine two minutes ago but that is there.
Bartholomew: OK. What did I miss?
Jesus: Where have you been?
Bartholomew: I had to go to the toilet. I told Peter to tell you.
Peter: Whoa! Actually you said if he asked to tell him. You never said to just go up to him and mention it.
Jesus: It doesn't matter. He is back now. So we can get on with the meal. Who wants to say the prayer?
Simon: Me.
Jesus: Anyone else?
Simon: Me.
Jesus: OK, Simon say the prayer before we eat.
Simon: We give thanks to you Lord, who is really Jesus, for this food that is on the table; even though Judas paid for it. We would like to take this time to ask you why you as God couldn't give you as Jesus a couple of fish to go with this bread. But you don't have to answer now as you are here as Jesus; and praying with us. We ask you, as God once again, to watch over Mary as this morning I heard her crying, and she said it was your fault, well you as Jesus. She said that even though she was late you were going to die. But as she was there and you are not dead, well you as Jesus wasn't, I never met you as God so you could be, I think she may be possessed by demons. Also can you get me a new camel. Amen. Well your men, not our men by any means. But I'm never sure whose men they are. Are they yours or are they Jesus' especially as you and Jesus are the same. Anyway Thaddeus keeps kicking me under the table so I better let you get back to being Jesus so that we can eat. Amen again.
Jesus: Right, before we eat I have something to say.
James: (mumbling to himself) It is always talking with these people. And it is always religion.
Jesus: Take this bread, it is my body.
Philip: (screams)
Jesus: What is the matter now?
Philip: (crying) I already bit you. I didn't know it was your body. And then Simon's prayer just kept going and going. I got hungry and took a bite. I didn't mean to bite you.
Jesus: It is just symbolic of my body it is not really my body.
James: (mumbling to himself still) And I suppose the table is symbolic of your bed and we are all involved in some weird cult sacrifice.
Jesus: You know I can hear you mumbling James.
James: (mumbling again) And I can hear you talking instead of sitting down, shutting up, and letting us all eat.
Jesus: Do you want to miss the last supper? You keep this shit up I have no problem kicking you out. You can go and eat with the Jews.
James: (mumbling once again) I bet they already ate. I noticed the smoke coming from the oven when we arrived.
Jesus: (shouting) If everyone could sit still, shut up, and allow me to continue.
James: (mumbling still) Might as well. Not like we are missing anything. Bread looks stale, and that wine tastes like vinegar. Son of himself and he can't even magic up decent wine.
Jesus: And the wine is my blood.
Jude: Oh that is just sick.
Peter: What kind of person serves blood as wine?
Thomas: Your blood seems to have a high alcohol content. You might want to get your arse to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm sure that might be the reason you are dying. I think this whole prophesy might just be a cover up.
Jesus: (shouting) For fucks sake! It is symbolic again. It isn't really my blood.
John: Should I write that down as if you were joking about it being blood or should I just forget the bit that it was your blood?
Jesus: It is symbolic. It is like the parables. It means something.
James: (mumbling) Yeah, means you were too tight to go to the shops and buy a couple of bottles. No wonder they call you the king of the Jews.
Jesus: I give up. Look. Soon...
Philip: (interrupting) How soon?
Jesus: Real soon.
Matthew: Do we have time to eat first or should I wrap this bread in a napkin and save it for later?
Jesus: You have time to eat. When I finish talking.
Thaddeus: I have an appointment tomorrow. Should I cancel it or what?
Jesus: Anybody else got anything going on tomorrow, that they might be too busy to attend my crucifixion?
Peter: I was going to rake the sand tomorrow; but I suppose I could put that off. Will I be OK to pencil it in for Monday?
Jesus: Yes. Monday I will be home.
Andrew: Home? I thought you was dying?
Jesus: My father's home.
Andrew: But you are your father. Or did I mess that whole trinity bit right up?
Jesus: Look. Tomorrow I will be taken by the Romans...
Jude: (interrupting) Death to the Roman scum!
Jesus: Forget it. I give up. You can all go to Hell for all I care. Tomorrow the Romans are going to take me and you will all deny knowing me. Then I will be crucified. Then I shall go up to Heaven.
Peter: I won't deny knowing you.
Jesus: Peter, you will deny me three times before the cock crows.
Philip: How come he gets a cock? What do I get?
Jesus: It is not a real cock.
Philip: Is this one of those idols of men that women defiled themselves with according to Ezekiel?
Jesus: No, it is a cockerel.
James: (mumbling again) Why didn't you say that in the first place then? Maybe if you stopped talking in riddles and just said what you mean people would have a clue what you was on about.
Jesus: Look. I told you what is going to happen. Mary was right. She said you people were dumber than a box of Roman rocks. She said I might as well talk to the wailing wall. But no, I stood up for you, I said you'd all understand. But it seems she was right.
Philip: Women are always right. Trust me I know.
Jesus: Let me just get this out the way Philip, I didn't know you was gay when I chose you as a disciple. I thought maybe a positive influence, such as me, might help you see the errors of your way. But no. So we will all be going to Heaven and you will be burning in Hell.
Philip: That is discrimination.
Jesus: Sodom and Gomorrah didn't teach you anything?
Philip: I heard about it; and I was just going to wait for time travel and maybe go back there for a weekend.
Jesus: It was a warning.
Philip: No need to warn me; time travel hasn't been invented.
Jesus: Anyone else want to pipe in? Anyone else got something to say?
Bartholomew: Just a quick question before the Romans turn up. If you are God, and you are Jesus, yet you claim to be the son of man as well as the holy spirit; do you get paid 4 times or just once. And do you file taxes under each name so you don't get taxed too much?
Jesus: Fuck it. I'm out. I can't wait to die. I was kind of dreading it but after this shambles of a meal I can't wait. I'm kind of hoping the Romans forgo the crucifixion and just cut my head off; get it over and done with.

** Jesus goes to leave.**

James: Just one more question before you go.
Jesus: (angrily) What?
James: As your brother does that mean I get first dibs on Mary? I'm not saying I'll do anything until you are dead and gone. But if the whole thing about a brother marrying his brother's wife is true then I will have to marry Mary. Mum always said I couldn't marry until you did, and then because you kept it secret she'd never let me marry. When she was talking to Sarah once she even thought you was gay. She thought maybe you and Philip had something going on. I tried to tell her it wasn't like that but I couldn't tell her about Mary. But once you are dead I suppose it wouldn't matter too much if I tell her. You'll be dead, not like she can say too much.
Jesus: Do what you want. All of you can do whatever you want. I come to save mankind and you people want me to flood the Earth again. So do what you want.
James: Thanks brother.

** Jesus leaves. **

It may not have happened exactly like that but as the Bible is once again a bit short on details we have to kind of imagine how things truly went down.

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