Sunday, 31 August 2014

If I Was God: Back To Basics

If I was God the whole Adam and Eve story would have gone completely different. If I was this all-powerful creator of everything it would have gone like so:

God: You are Adam. You can name all the animals and when you have finished I'll make you a wife.
Adam: What is a wife?
God: Never mind what a wife is. Just know you'll want one.
Adam: OK. Do I have to name them individually or just the various species?
God: The species only. But if you want to name the occasional one for a pet then feel free.
Adam: Thanks.
God: See you later then.

Adam goes off and names all the animals. When finished he returns to God.

Adam: Done.
God: Well done. But who is that?
Adam: That is Darwin, my pet monkey.
God: Oh dear. Anyway you have had a busy day so go to sleep and in the morning you will wake to a wife.
Adam: I'm not really all that tired to be honest.
God: Well go stroke your monkey until you fall asleep.
Adam: Alright then. Night. See you in the morning.

While Adam sleeps God creates Eve, a wife for Adam, from one of his spare ribs. And sits back and waits for Adam to awake in the morning.

God: Morning Adam.
Adam: Morning. So this is that wife thing you was on about?
God: Yes. Her name is Eve and she is your wife.
Adam: I was thinking about this while I was stroking my monkey last night. But if you are my Dad and you are also Eve's Dad then doesn't that mean she can't be my wife? I mean we are in Eden here not Texas.
God: Don't worry about details. Nobody will care about details.
Adam: OK.
Eve: My husband is my brother?
God: In a way yes.
Eve: Might as well get a couple of the flamingos and a trailer home.
God: Look it doesn't matter. I make the rules. You can get away with pretty much anything except murder and eating the fruit from the tree of Knowledge.
Adam: Seems pretty fair.
Eve: And the first rule of Eden is not speaking about relationships.
God: I make the rules.
Eve: Well can you add that one?
God: OK. But it is the third not first rule.
Eve: That will work.

A few days later Eve is walking through the garden and a serpent comes up to her and starts talking.

Serpent: Hey Eve.
Eve: What?
Serpent: Eat the fruit from this tree.
Eve: God said not to. If we do we die or something.
Serpent: He is lying.

Before Eve even has chance to speak once more to the serpent a lightning bolt strikes the serpent dead.

God: Damn snake. How did he get in the garden?

There, with one small change the whole of mankind is saved. As your God you are welcome.

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